It's Sydney's world, I am just living in it.

Sydney is running with the big dogs now, she ran away from home.

We came home last night to find one dog, instead of two and a piece of our heart missing.

The pain is intense and my heart is breaking in a gazillion pieces right now... yes, while I never had birthday parties or made my dogs wear little sweaters I feel as though I need to confess that I am "a crazy dog lady" similar and some might say a sister of "the crazy cat lady". You know the kind, carries an extra dog leash around in case I come into contact with a stray wearing a collar, gives away dog food to homeless people with pets.

The community we live in has two security people constantly patrolling and handsome was quick to give them a picture of Miss Sydney and her stats. We have a large community that is gated but a neighbor decided to tell handsome she is pretty sure that she saw Sydney running with another dog towards the main gate... I guess there is no great way to say something like this but it felt like a million tiny daggers invading my heart and soul to hear this.

Regarding neighbors, this has been the biggest transition. I am used to having some kind of small neighborly relationship with people and the city I am currently living in houses many commuters- myself included. I haven't connected with any other neighbors as they are not real neighborly. Handsome and I have nicknames for a few - for instance, our favorite neighbors (can you pick up on the sarcasm?) whom we lovingly call the Jesus freaks. They earned their title by placing an empty *manger* on their front lawn bestowed with a red light. The big problem was that the manger was the size of a casket and looked more like a Halloween decoration with the red light on it than an homage to Jesus. Did I mention they live directly across from our home? Religious freedom and the expression of, aside, these very Christian people will barely make eye contact and no longer speak to handsome after he declined an invitation to their weekly Monday night bible study that takes place in their home. I wasn't ready to run over and knock on their door to ask if they had seen Sydney.

Then there are the neighbors on one side of us who are different and I don't know how to explain it other than the husband has a bit of the crazy eyes and the wife is a mail order bride from Russia, who I thought was his daughter. We call them "From Russia, with love" or Boris and Natasha, depending on our mood. Natasha was the one who mentioned the whole dog running toward the gate statement. They have a brand new boxer puppy and so I would hope to think they have a bit of sympathy toward the situation.

****

I got in the car and drove around, screaming her name, holding a flashlight, sobbing and waiting for her to walk out of some random area and come prancing toward me... it never happened.

I am a firm believer that people come in and out of our lives, at different times and for different reasons - I wasn't ready to apply nor accept this theory towards my puppy. Handsome asked me this morning if we thought of everything - Call the humane society - check (had to leave a message), let the entire world know our dog was missing- check, scour the neighborhood- check. She has a chip so I am holding out hope that this will be the saving grace. I never, NEVER see dogs running loose in this city so perhaps their animal services department is really on their game, we'll see.

Did I miss anything?

Sydney

Sydney is one short phone call away from the sausage factory.

I love this dog, really I do love this dog- she is one of my kids but she is destroying handsome's backyard - scratching drywall off of the house, scratching at doors, windows, fences and I am at my wits end.

I phoned the dog trainer and she explained that due to the high winds recently, her client call has increased substantially in the last 2 days. Now, the wind, while a complete annoyance, is also a factor that sends Sydney over the edge. To say she dislikes wind would be an understatement. To add fuel to the fire, there is a walking trail located about 100 *sloping upwards* feet away from the backyard and due to construction the maintenance crew has put a chain link fence and affixed a green tarp (not sure of the exact purpose for the tarp). So the winds have blown the connectors away at the bottom of the tarp so.... can you guess what has been happening? Yes, the slightest breeze sends the tarp slapping, repeatedly, against the chain link fence... driving Sydney crazy and sending her into a crazy panic.

Last night, her heart was racing and as much as I tried to calm her down, she found it impossible. I spent close to 45 minutes with the dog trainer going over different exercises and we are going to try to put her in a crate for sleeping because the behavior seems to increase at bed time. As much as I am VEHEMENTLY against medicating people, children and animals - I am thinking of calling her vet and asking for some kind of doggie downer.

Any suggestions?

Swimsuits

It's raining here in sunny CA - AGAIN. I know, the rest of the country has been buried under snow or ice and I am whining about rain after having three sunny days in a row.

Swimsuits... I am contemplating on purchasing a swimsuit online. Land's End has the coolest website for previewing suits, as you scroll over the picture it flips so you can see what the suit looks like from behind and I think that is mighty clever.

The other winning point - they have Petite plus sizes which, for the love of all things clothing related they should be honored for some award like the Nobel Peace prize or something.

The only problem is the fabrics and their lack of um....hipness.

Lent

I swear this won't turn into a blog about my religious struggles or religion in general... a mere coincidence that I am blogging about religion 2 times in a row.

Last night I went to a fish restaurant with a good friend Regina, whom I've known since I was 18. I don't know why I just typed that but I guess I felt it was important... for some reason. She is the kind of person that knows me so well sometimes it's SCARY. Also the kind of friend who is not only quick to call me on my *shit* but does it in such a way, you feel appreciative and reminded that she truly cares about you all at the same time. Did I mention she is a KICK ASS mother. No, not a muther, but a mom - an an amazingly wonderful, patient mom. We both had wiped our ashes off of our forehead and "caught-up" about our lives. Spending time with this calm presence of a friend is less like work and more like therapy. She listened openly and intently about my feelings regarding *all items mentioned in my last post* without being judgemental, and being only happy that my soul has been fed.

Thinking about our friendship and it's importance to me gave me an idea about what I will do for Lent. Typically, during lent, something is given up however I decided this year that I will take one person in my life, for the forty days of Lent, I will think good thoughts and pray for one friend a day for the forty days. I know I have forty people in my life, my goal is to continue this - gasp - even after lent. As my dad says when he doesn't want to disappoint me by saying the word no, We'll see.

Other things I hope to accomplish during this time of introspect

Pass the CSET

Get Active

Take and post more pictures

Get back in touch with my blogging community

Finding Religion

Relocating to Murrieta has given me a great new perspective on life and one of the parts of building community for me is to locate the closest Catholic church. Handsome and I were driving around the other day and accidentally found St. Martha's Catholic church. A few days later I found myself standing in line for confession on a very rainy day. The lines were long... alot of sins going down in M town? or are the priests just really super amazing and convincing to have you go to confession. For me, confessing anything- let alone my sins ranks right up there with going to the DMV and the dentist. Ironically, I have done all three in the last month. I should just schedule my "girly" doctor visit and put the icing on the cake.

So, back to confession. I went in, it was short and sweet and the penance was even shorter which was odd... but I wasn't going to argue with him since it was clearly in my favor. Later that day Handsome and I attended 5:15 mass and it was a packed house. Handsome is Jewish and had only attended mass one other time, years ago. I was a bit nervous, I wanted it to be the BEST.MASS.EVER. It wasn't even in the top 20 masses ever, it was sad. There is no crying room and the area that we set in was some kind of vortex that sucked in every whisper, let alone crying baby. Coupled with the fact that the priest struggled with the English language and spoke at a mumble really was upsetting. So I focused on why I was there and what I do like about Catholicism - the tradition. The movement through the act of contrition, clasping your neighbors hand and saying "Peace be with you" and bowing my head in prayer after communion provided me the comfort I needed and made up for the incomprehensible sermon.

Handsome and I had a long talk that night about mass and he agreed that it was a bit sad that we couldn't hear what the priest had to say. When we decided to attend mass we also decided that we would attend Temple as well and I was anxiously looking forward to it. My entire life, I have always said that if I wasn't Catholic, I would be Jewish... because of the tradition, rich history and I really love their focus on family, community and doing things that help the greater good. Ok, as I re- read that last statement I guess all religions focus on those items so I would venture to say that I really enjoy the traditions of the continuation of the Hebrew language and the historical aspect.

So we went to Temple last night and.... I loved it. Once we walked in, Handsome had to use the restroom and moments later I was greeted by the very young Rabbi who said "Shabbot Shalom" which is said on Friday nights because this is when they welcome the day of rest also known as Shabbot and of course Shalom means hello. So, I guess - very roughly translated- by a Catholic nonetheless-I guess it means hi and yay the day of rest is here because it is said with enthusiasm. My reply was a barely audible "Hello" that was almost accompanied with a nervously stated... I am Catholic my boyfriend is Jewish and he is in the bathroom and I am so nervous I could pee my pants. I don't know why I got so nervous but I did and thankfully I didn't mumble the rest however the eyes of the congregation were on this shiksa, like white on rice. Another Rabbi came over and greeted us, Handsome did most of the talking (Thankfully) and I sat there smiling nervously. The Rabbi could not have been more welcoming, inviting and sincere - seriously and I mentioned to Handsome later that evening that I not only appreciated it but noted that would have *probably* would have never happened in any Catholic church that I have ever attended.

I struggle with my faith right now, at this point of my life. It's what I have known my whole life, the traditions bring me peace. I vehemently disagree with the church's position on Homosexuality, and struggle with the anti-abortion position. I would like to see the church let priests marry as well as welcome female priests and really feel like I am picking and choosing the parts that I like of Catholicism instead of embracing the whole thing.

What have I learned about Judaism?

Temple's are ranked in one of three ways: Orthodox, Conservative and Reformed. Orthodox Jews walk to Temple, wear the traditional dress and separate men from women in Temple. Conservative Temples are more relaxed in the fact that the tradition is still there but it's a more relaxed environment. Reformed is the most liberal and welcomes inter-religious couples... etc. OK, I could be completely incorrect on any of the above- this is just what I have picked up so far and I am working my way through the "The Jewish book of why" and "The Second Jewish book of why".

The temple we attended last night was Conservative however... the service was called "ROCK'IN Shabbot". Now- I am the first to admit, I am not a fan of the Christian churches that are so huge a power point slide is shown to accompany the Rock band and stage lighting so there was a natural concern when I saw the word "Rock'in". It was really great though and done in a very respectful manner sans amp and electric guitar.

The sermon (hmm, not sure if that is the correct term) ok- the point was to do or "act" and then ask questions of course the Rabbi stated this with numerous examples in a very non-confusing way and I am struggling to type it now because of the energy I was burning through on trying to not be nervous. I was most happy that I was able to understand what the Rabbi was saying and I loved the focus on children at last night's service. The Rabbi at one point invited all children to sit on the floor with him in front of the *band* while the band sang, children were invited with another Rabbi to the social hall for a portion of the sermon and when welcomed back the entire congregation got up and turned and welcomed them in. I sat in awe watching the smiles on every one's faces and the kids - Dare I Say- HAVING FUN???? WHAT THE...... Where am I??? I really liked that they were able to embrace tradition yet have fun. These kids are going to want to come back next week, sadly - Rockin Shabbot happens only once a month. We did make tentative plans to attend next month when Handsome's son will be here.

Will I convert, I don't know? Did I enjoy last night? YES! Can you be Catholic and Jewish? My guess is no. Can I do both? I probably will for quite awhile.

The struggle with Religion goes on but for now my soul is fed.

*band* - It had four musicians- one singer, one guitarist, one flutist, one pianist.