Pretty in Pink

In an effort to thwart the overwhelming list of responsibilities staring me in the face (homework, getting paperwork ready for divorce...looking for a teaching job that doesn't require the CSET). I decided to take yesterday off and deal with this mess

My organizational skills are not the best, I'll admit but I am severely handicapped with a huge space (or lack there of) issue. Not alot of work got completed at this desk. Hmph... I wonder why. Probably because the fan was in the way, not to mention the enormous stack of paper.



After a few hours of limping around IKEA... I was happy just to get to this point. A picture of my future desk.



The directions clearly stated that it was going to take 2 people and I quickly discovered that a hammer and screwdriver were required as well. I was determined to get the thing built and got all the way to step 2 until I had to call for reinforcements - my good friend Regina. I didn't even have to bribe her.... now that's friendship.



While I was out shopping, I found this tres chic and sooooo comfortable Umbra chair on sale for $30 bucks at The Container Store. Yes, that would be hot pink - the new color theme of my desk area.

Voila!?!

The new desk area, now I just need to get out of bed and get to work. My knee didn't particularly like all the shopping yesterday and swelled to 3 times the size of the other knee.

Fix You

I don't give Duane much thought....ordinarily.... only when I think about what he is costing me, his health insurance, his insane dental bill, the truck he drives that is in my name... all which bring my blood to a rolling boil.

Then there are the times where I get angry because he is not around and damn if I could just totally use his strong yet soft shoulder to cry on. For instance, when I fell off of the bike this week - I screamed that it was all his fault, my mother instantly agreed without using basic logic to point out that it was really in no absolute way, his fault. God love her....I do. Or today, when I went looking through my old blog to discover that a year ago tomorrow - we became foster parents and I remember that road we faced together with humor and trepidation where I watched a man I knew as my husband become a brave father. Then like a bad dream... I remember that those feelings are part of the past, though felt in the present will never be the future....ever.

The girls, no doubt, made indelible impression on my heart. Their laughter, their request to watch "Enchanted" over and over and over again, the marvel at watching their faces explode with happiness as the looked at the big, blue ocean for the first time - realizing their was something "greater" than visiting a pool and who could forget the lice (certainly, not I). I was thinking this evening about where they are in their lives, so I wrote a lovely note to their teacher - hoping that she will receive it before the school year gets out, I might even hand deliver it next Friday on my day off. I phoned the agency we worked with and they had not received a call about placement for the girls which doesn't necessarily mean that they haven't been returned to the system - especially if the girls had the same social worker.

What did I learn from two young sweet peas who seemed to breeze in and out of my life like a gentle wind - a smile is worth a million dollars, a high five can make a kids day, a hug is better than money and positive energy can give a child hope.

To little girl and Big Girl who touched my heart and soul
Thank you for letting me be your mommy, if only for a short time.

Free fallin

I am laying in bed when I should be at work, my knee is throbbing and the Tylenol with codeine has not kicked in yet.

In an effort to get my bodacious bod back, I have been riding my mountain bike a few days a week. Last night, I was 25 minutes into 45 minute loop that I have been doing when I decided to mix it up a bit and go up this kind of steep hill *because I thought it would be alot of fun to go down the hill*. During the descent, I hit water and lost control of the bike. I landed in a driveway of a condo association with the bike frame resting heavily on my right knee. I layed for a minute going down the list of questions you ask- Can I breathe? Am I bleeding? Who is the president? AND THEN I FREAKED OUT realizing I was in the driveway and tried to get up on my legs. HA HA HA... the legs were not working - both of them and then I started crying because I thought I had really screwed my body up and crawled on my arms over to the sidewalk, grabbed my phone and called my mom.

I knew my mom was in the garden and was wondering if she would even pick up the phone when I heard her voice and just sobbed into the phone "Come get me, I fell off of my bike and I need help mom". Before she could respond, a man came up to me, from behind scaring the shit out of me and yelled "ARE YOU OK?" I think he thought I may have had a concussion or something but hellooooo I was on the phone? Who has a concussion and makes a phone call. OK, anyway. He was 1/2 of a nice older duo that pulled their car over after they watched me take my spill. The nice wife quickly calmed the scary man down who , at first I thought was a homeless man trying to mug me and then realized he was talking funny because he was from a different country. In my defense, even my mom thought he was a bit strange and possibly drunk but his wife was nice so they balanced each other out.

My mom called our friends Lyle and Sylvia who live in the condo association of the driveway where the event happened and they took my bike back to their house as my mom and I sped off to Kaiser where I played a rousing rendition of "does this hurt" with a doctor as he bent my leg in a million different directions - Good times. He mentioned that I was flexible and I mentioned the word Yoga and he mentioned something about the injury could have been alot worse if without the yoga and that I was to be putting all exercise (yoga included) on hold for 10 days because like crack - exercise kills.... Just kidding. I had a funny moment with my friend J about the dangers of exercise and how I should just really steer clear of any strenuous kind of exercise from here moving forward. All in good fun and jest, of course.

My mother who is just one of the most entertaining people that has this completely wacky side kept me in stictches. I busted out my I-Pod to keep her entertained and stop her from asking me how I was feeling every 5 minutes and she was hooked. The hillarious part was when she wanted to tell me something while the earbuds were in and she didn't realize the volume of her voice. The other moment of laughing insanity was after nurse bitchy-bitch had asked Dr. "I love yoga, but I am not afraid to give you drugs" if I needed crutches and after he confirmed and brought them and excused himself from the room, my mother decided to try to do the moonwalk - using the crutches. I laughed so hard I really thought I might pee my pants.

The funny moments she provided were helpful as I had some really crappy ones, like when I got wheeled into X-ray and the tech asked me if there was a chance I could be pregnant. I would have love to come up with something really witty and slightly awkard...but all I could muster was a pathetic..... no. The next moment of ick happened when we returned to Kaiser to pick up my meds and the only parking available was in the Labor and Delivery parking only section that showed a huge stork with a baby and some joyous banter about babies..... URGHHHHHh. All of this so feeling on the surface right now, are these feelings as it was a year ago today that I got the call that I would become a foster parent. I imagine more feelings will resurface within the next week so...there's your warning.

I arrived home with a pair of crutches, prescription Tylenol with codeine, a knee brace and order to not return to work until Friday.

So, while I would like to think I am the bee's knees.... my right knee is struggling. I have an appointment on Friday to see an occupational specialist who will probably twist and turn my knee in another million directions.

Stir it up

Blog.... what blog?

I know, it's been two weeks since I've last posted. This is not a pattern, the last two weeks have been hmmmmmm what are words I'm looking for... wacky, I guess really sums it up.

I have....


been selected for jury duty, selected for a trial, rendered a guilty verdict that was someones 3rd strike (minor detail was not revealed until 2nd phase of trial, BTW) and that was only 4 of the last 15 days.

had the pleasure of being told that Duane has hired a lawyer (it's going to get ugly)

gone on a date with a man that is older than my father (fortunately I have a young dad) and in better shape than anyone I know. He just finished a 50 mile bike ride and *seems* to have it together(financially/emotionally/physically). A second date is scheduled but I am not sure if it will take place. I'll keep you posted....

have developed a new game plan for my life.... wanna hear?

OK, hear it goes. Clearly, I need pass the CSET in order to become a teacher - no two ways about it. School is school and will always be there... it pains me to say this but I will *more likely than not* NOT graduate this December because in order to do so I have to obtain a student teaching contract and in order to do this I would need to obtain need an intern eligible letter from my school and they will only write this letter with the ENTIRE CSET having been passed.

Ironic, how everything hinges on something else - such is life. I've been in touch with some districts who happen to be willing to hire with only one of the CSET components being passed so in the off chance/rarer than rare and on the level of winning the lottery I actually get hired for the 2009-10 school year, it will be short of a mirrrrrrracle. These positions are just so few and far between and hey -guess what? I am not the only one that is having challenges passing the CSET? WHO KNEW????? I would also like to include that the chance of getting hired, in this economy/ with a million other SPED teachers looking for work is probably somewhere along the lines of meeting/having dinner with/and participating in amazing, earth shattering, mind bending, passionate sex with Anthony Bourdain.

A girl can dream - right?

I am working on plan B and it involves either becoming a teacher in another state or becoming a Professional Anthony Bourdain groupie.......

Every little thing she does is magic

I wish I could say... I haven't written because I've been busy traveling the globe.

I wish I could say....I haven't written because it was difficult to put pen to paper (well, ok - fingers to keyboard).

I wish I could say... I haven't written because I have been lacking Internet connection.

I wish I could say... I don't have time to write this post because I am off to the Derby to go drink a mint julep and wear a pretty hat.

Nope, no good excuses -

I haven't written lately because I no longer felt my space at becoming parents was where I should be and knew that I had to create a new space. But.... wait, there was something comfortable about that space and I wasn't quite ready to leave it. And like I can only imagine the pain of childbirth to be - creating a new space was exciting, fun and very painful. I am completely word press challenged and that is why I am back on blogger, the functionality is key.

So, sadly, no longer trying to become a parent but becoming a better, healthier version of Kara. There was a bit of sadness and not wanting to let go in that regard. I didn't want to stop trying to become a parent so why would I stop writing on that blog? Because that blog represents a chapter in my life that is coming to a close - Good, Bad, Ugly - that is infertility, that is marriage and ultimately, that is life. I can't think badly about that chapter as those experiences/people because they made me who I am today and I am loving the person that I am today.

And boy did I have stuff to say, lots of it. So I decided to mark today, the mark of completing my first three months of being a single girl, the first of May or May Day to write my first cathartic post. No dancing around the maypole for me today, just spewing my guts on the WWW.

Where to begin? I guess at the beginning...

It's been three months, since the split and while the paperwork side of the divorce is moving along (at a snail's pace, btw) there is this state of limbo that I have (FINALLY) embraced. My dad lectured me (yeah, he still lectures me and apparently, I still listen- old habits) about embracing my "inner urban camper". During he and my mom's last divorce (they had two total) he was staying in the beach apartment in Laguna, an apartment in Riverside and traveled as much as he could to stay with friends and family. His therapist at the time coined the phrase "urban camping" to remind him that he needed to embrace this experience and it has just sorta stuck with our family. So, I am no longer bitching left and right about living with my mom who loves me every moment of the day - even when I am the worlds biggest grump, which is nearly every morning. We have found a balance to give each other the space we need and when I miss my "stuff" I go visit the storage unit. Consequently, when I want to buy "stuff" I go visit the storage unit. If the storage unit had running water - I would live there and of course of the storage unit had running water I guess it would be considered an apartment.

Like any good person going through an abundant load of shit... I totally fought the spirit of the urban camper - until recently. I do, finally, feel like I have a schedule, routine and remember my sense of self once again. I hate to beat the yoga horse again but I have to give credit to where it is due. I would not be here, at this place, in this moment, where I finally have a more peaceful heart without the stability and calming effect that yoga provides.

And now for the updates... work, family, friends and life in general

Work - I still have a job, it's just not the job I am going to school for nor does it feed my soul. It does however, feed my bank account so I am fortunate in that regard. I am studying, feverishly, for the CSET and hoping to be in the classroom, next fall.

Family and friends - ALL OF YOU ARE AMAZING. Thank you to each and every one of you. Your love, unending support and friendship comprise my life's many blessings. Thank you seems small in comparison to the magnitude and depth that has been your kindness. I continue to see my nephew and niece on a regular basis and when Cole stays with my mom and I, my favorite moment is when he wakes me up in the morning, climbs into bed with me to snuggle and then whispers "Auntie, can I play on your laptop". He thinks it's a riot that Auntie Kara likes "The Backyardigans". He is in T-ball and doing really well while my niece Ella cheers him from the sidelines. I attend his practices and games regularly and enjoy screaming "RUN, COLE, RUN".

Life in general.... where to begin? I started seeing a nice dude, teaches Special Ed., had foster kids, crazy ex - our similarities were....scary. His birth date was my wedding anniversary, his wedding anniversary was my mom's birth date, really. Almost too much in common and found myself slipping into old habits so I jumped ship and he's angry, mad, sad with me and he will heal and he will find another to love. He was a very special guy - it just didn't work. It's not fun cringing when your cell phone rings, wondering - is it the ex-boyfriend or ex-husband? Nope, not fun at all.

Let's see, what else -

Ok, well I am off to spend time with family in San Clemente and San Diego this weekend. Tonight, I will get to watch a young cousin proudly show off her mad Irish dance skillz, I'll get to chat with my Aunt and listen to my other cousin practice on the piano. Saturday, I'll cruise down to San Diego, where most of my family resides and plan to visit with my Grandfather, the cantankerous spirit has received his second eviction notice because, well, that's just the kind of rebel, ass-kicking blood line I come from and I wouldn't have it any other way. I will also visit another Aunt and her partner who are in the process of rebuilding their home they lost in those horrific fires a few years ago and marvel at the Phoenix rising from the cement slab of their foundation, that will become home. I know seeing this will have an amazing impact as I remember the grey dust smelling of pain and sorrow that sifted through the fingers of my dad and I as we struggled to choke back tears to try to find any of her belongings, the sudden smile that appeared on her face when my dad presented her with several frozen Charlotte glass dolls that amazingly survived, the sadness of her loss and her hopefulness to rebuild her dream which is now coming to fruition.

So, stay safe this weekend, be happy and love another.