Excuses, excuses

I can't believe it's been a month since I last posted.  Honestly, I thought it had been longer.

In the last month, I have started a new job and that is so very time consuming and then there is the significance of loss of the old job.  I had so many great friendships and I truly miss those amazing people.  

We had Handsome's youngest with us for a week, we got to take him to an Spring/Easter party, take a family  photo, meet up with family, got to Disneyland and get sweet kisses and hugs from a kiddo that melts my heart with the sound of his voice.

I wonder if handsome's kiddos will ever fully understand the joy they have all brought to my life.

We are gearing up for summer, planning activities and a possible July vacation to Madison WI & Chicago, IL (EMILY).


Things I love -
Casey on American Idol
Reading my library books
Listening to Paul Simon
Grilled Cheese sandwhiches
Kisses from my old dog Foster


Things I can't stand
Donald Trump and all the other "birthers"
The economy
Semi-trucks
Smog
Watching my loved ones suffer - either physically or financially

The new job is keeping me busy yet reminding me that I am in need of figuring out what *exactly* I am going to be when I grow up.

Weekend update (and it has nothing to do with SNL)

It's an update and it's technically the weekend though it's not an update about the weekend.  I know, it's all so complex.

So here it is....

The nine-bazillion resumes I have been sending out for the last year, applying for jobs that I was either under or over qualified for, resulted in LANDING ME A NEW JOB!

So exciting. no really - SO EXCITING!!

My place of employment for the last 5 years offered me friendships that I had never had in a work environment and a closeness shared with most that is difficult to put into words.  The word co-worker just doesn't seem appropriate.   This group of amazing individuals watched me start infertility treatments, finish my Bachelor of Science degree, get pregnant, have a miscarriage, decide to become a foster parent,  go through foster parent training, open our home to two beautiful little girls, watch two beautiful little girls become reunified with parents who fooled the system into thinking they were living a clean life.  These people supported me  as I struggled to find my feet after my husband of 8 years decided to end our marriage, watch me move in with my mother, watch me move out of my mom's house, watch me move to an apartment, watch me go on my first- post separation date, watch me fall in love, watch me move again, supported me endlessly when my dad suffered a heart attack and when my Grandpa Joe passed away, watched me meet an amazing man who lived 30 miles away and wanted me to wake up by him each and every day.

And  the thought of not waking up next to him each and every day was simply not an option for me.

I didn't love the commute though.  I didn't have a problem until we went to a 4/10 schedule and then I got tired.  Um, maybe tired isn't the right word.  Exhaustion?  Yeah, that sounds about right.  

Being at work, every morning at 6:30 AM meant that I needed to get up at 4:30 AM, so I could leave at 5:30 to sit in traffic and walk in door at work at 6:30 AM.  I loved having Friday's off, however, I was only half awake on those days. It drove me mad, literally mad.  I became a grump, ugh and pissy.  A pissy grump is not fun to live with, by the way.

All the while, life still is expected to go on; school, girl, scouts, kids, nieces, nephews, holidays, parents, laundry, bills.  We would go to the movies and 10 minutes into the show  I was asleep, snoring, out.  It was the same if I was a passenger in the car.  I slowly started to feel like I was 90 and I would go to sleep on weeknights around 8:30 PM or 9:00 PM.  I not only felt 90 years old, I was living life like I was 90.

So, I decided to make getting a new job my new priority, in a bleak economy.   It's about as fun as it sounds.    And I caught a break, found a Human Resources job at a local community college where my drive includes looking at beautiful farm landscape and three different groups of cows that belong to a handful of dairies.  Surely, not your typical Southern California landscape but for the girl who is a little bit country and a little bit rock and roll.  I LOVE IT.


What I miss....

Those amazing people that I worked with, at my last job.  The good news is that I get to see them today at a first birthday for one of their kiddos.  I miss them all - each and every day.

And the answer plagues me, why can't we have it all?  The great friends at work, with the great job, that is close to home.

To: A Fifth Grader

Dear Fifth Grader:

You have probably already forgotten about the mean substitute teacher you had on Friday, however, I will never forget you.

I will never forget your smile, your brightness, your jovial nature, your smartness and yes, I will never forget that when I spent time going over your folder work you got upset with me and told me that you were going to commit suicide.

I will never forget the impact of those words crossing a young child's lips, ever.

Though suicide is not a laughing matter, I hope you were joking. I pray that you were joking.

I will never forget explaining what you said to me to the Principal and her assistant.

I will never forget her picking up the phone to call the district.

I will never forget her calling your mom.

I also know that you and I will never forget that day.

I will always remember you.

With Love from a substitute teacher

The positive stuff

Happily, the grey, dark, looming cloud that chased me from Sunday through yesterday blew through town and I am back to a more happy status.  I am a firm believer in creating good things for ones self and woke up determined to make today - A great day, in fact a really great day.

I hold a lot of value in the power of positive thinking and I firmly believe that the positive energy you project can come back to you in copious amounts.  So, no more negative stuff, I am going to focus on the positive stuff... starrrrrrtttttinnnnng now.

Have you ever gone to one blog and then suddenly an hour later and 9 other blogs you are on a blog that you think might change your life?  Please read THIS - this blogger/author is amazing and not just because she wrote stories about running away with Duran Duran when she was younger but is just a super cool person, blogger, author, mother and total inspiration.

Happy Friday - Fingers crossed for CSET tomorrow.

Kill me now....

Not really, please don't though I am worth more dead than alive.

Ok, now that my George Bailey moment has passed....

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My week has consisted of the following:

Sunday - Said good-bye to handsome's Wisconsin kiddos, very sad.

Monday  - Sad about kids being gone, holidays over and oh wait, crap  - CSET is this Saturday, and what better time to start cramming than the week of a major test.  It's not like I was doing anything the last 3 weeks.

Tuesday - Said good-by to handsome's 5 year old who lives in Oregon.  Did you hear that sound?  Yeah - it was the rest of my heart breaking.

Wednesday - Call the IRS to let them know that while I would love to pay them, I simply can't because there is a great Tory Burch handbag at Nordstrom's waiting for me.    I did have a lovely chat with my friends at the Internal Revenue Service to let them know that no- I didn't forget about our repayment agreement and moolah is on the way.  They weren't happy with my "better late than never" attitude.

Also discovered that we did not win a stinkin dime in our office lottery pool.  Crap.

Wednesday evening, my co leaders for the girl scout troop I run, both quit.  I saw it coming but it still wasn't fun.  I don't like break-ups.

Today - woke up feeling like I might die, or I just may have the flu or well maybe I am just really freaking wiped out from life.  Who knows.  

The rest of the week should be a breeze- right?

Ch-Ch-Ch- Changes

I love blogger but the backgrounds are so blech..... and I am not talented/smart enough to do the whole custom background thing.

I have a mad case of the Sunday blues and I think I have been awake for about 15 minutes, this is not a good sign.  I hate my job.

Wait

No - I don't HATE my job, I HATE the commute, I love the people I work with and I am burned out on the work I am doing.   I also do not like looking for new jobs and feeling like I have to put on that face - you know the " I am fab, you know you love me - dah-ling" hire-me face.  Also, I am getting old and I don't like change.  Ok, I know I sound cantankerous but that is just how I feel today.

Handsome's kids return to Wisconsin and it makes me sad, we will have the five year old for a few more days and then he goes home to Oregon.   The loss is unbearable to think about, we will not see them until summer unless we fly to go see them which may or may not happen.  Phone calls and letters will take place - but you know it's not the same and especially with as quick as how kids grow.

We still have our holiday decorations up and I refuse to take them down while we have kiddos in the home.  

It can all wait.

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Last summer I read this book, Ex-etiquette for parents.  It was amazing, life- changing and why, yes - I did want to mail a copy to handsome's baby mama's.  I've also been on the bonus families website, the author's site for the book and an amazing resource.  Topics covered are all things that we have been experiencing so it was like finding gold when I found the book at the library and finding the website was another complete a-ha moment.

I was able to talk to a counselor the site has to offer who wants to put me in touch with the book's author(s) who handle mediation in Northern California and finally feel like we might be able to get somewhere in helping to create a better relationship for handsome, me and his kids.

We will see what happens.

HAPPY NEW YEAR - 2011

So the short story thing blew up in my face - BIGTIME.  It was therapeutic while we were planning my Grandpa's funeral and party.  I am *hoping* to get  into the Grandpa story further, as time permits.  Oh, time - that's a funny word.   

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Goals for 2011

Pass the CSET - I take subtest II (again) on January 8th, one week from yesterday.  

Get a teaching job or really any job closer to home.  The 10 hour work day + 2 hour commute is KILLING me slowly. 

Pay off the IRS, yes for the first time in my life I owe the IRS and it SUCKS ( thank you rat bastard, ex husband for this one)

Get back into running. 

Tackle the "Baking with Julia" book handsome gave me last Christmas that will surely include time with my new KitchenAid stand mixer handsome gave me this Christmas.

Blog/write daily and facebook less.

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There you have it.  It's in writing so I am sure to follow thru on this  :-).