The transition back to Kara McGee is almost complete... today I received my business cards with my new old name. Life is GRAND!
The only missing piece of the transition puzzle is the California Driver License now well past the 4-6 processing period - most likely due to state and local agency furloughs (mine included) and hopefully not due to theft.
Life is still GRAND!
21 December 2009
16 December 2009
Food
Another reason why I wished I live in NYC and why I am most thankful that the NY Times is online.
15 December 2009
Sydney and the Sausage Factory
New beau and I moving along well and progressing nicely in the relationship. As a consequence of my spending copious amounts of time at his residence, my barking baggage (Foster and Sydney) are now full time residents of casa de new beau.
Enamoured as most dog lovers, who don't currently own dogs are - was he in the beginning honeymoon stage. Reality has set in and the dogs are bored. Do you blame them? This is their fourth residence in a 10 month time span. Behavior problems have hit an all time high with a certain female dog name Supermodel Sydney who is living up to every bit of her high and mighty/snobbish nickname. Digging, barking for no reason, scratching paint off of freshly painted back door, CHEWING UP PATIO FURNITURE.... yeah - not the highlight of my life on that one.
Sydney enters doggie behavior rehab on Friday and for the first time in her short little life I will be away from her for 2-3 weeks. The very nice lady who probably thinks I am COMPLETELY NUTS as evidenced by my mention about feeling guilty about Sydney being on lock down during Christmas and she happily reminded me that dogs don't know about Christmas- WHEW, good thing I am gonna go mold young minds one day.
9:00 AM Friday we have a consultation and if she is accepted then she will spend the next 2 weeks at doggie rehab. If not.... sausage factory here we come (Just kidding, but don't tell her because I think she might believe us).
Enamoured as most dog lovers, who don't currently own dogs are - was he in the beginning honeymoon stage. Reality has set in and the dogs are bored. Do you blame them? This is their fourth residence in a 10 month time span. Behavior problems have hit an all time high with a certain female dog name Supermodel Sydney who is living up to every bit of her high and mighty/snobbish nickname. Digging, barking for no reason, scratching paint off of freshly painted back door, CHEWING UP PATIO FURNITURE.... yeah - not the highlight of my life on that one.
Sydney enters doggie behavior rehab on Friday and for the first time in her short little life I will be away from her for 2-3 weeks. The very nice lady who probably thinks I am COMPLETELY NUTS as evidenced by my mention about feeling guilty about Sydney being on lock down during Christmas and she happily reminded me that dogs don't know about Christmas- WHEW, good thing I am gonna go mold young minds one day.
9:00 AM Friday we have a consultation and if she is accepted then she will spend the next 2 weeks at doggie rehab. If not.... sausage factory here we come (Just kidding, but don't tell her because I think she might believe us).
19 November 2009
Untitled
Oh boy.... has anyone ever forgotten all the password combinations to their blog and not been able to reset them. Don't get me started on why I can't seem to remember the answer to my security question.
I have morphed back to Kara McGee, no really - even the Social Security Administration along with the DMV... allegedly (I have yet to see the proof). The only place that has me with the douche bag's last name is my bank.... there's irony for you. I really held back during the d-process from ragging on the d-bag and whilst taking the highroad is always a challenge I cling to it for a variety of reasons - mostly karmic so just read between the lines on that bank comment.
So, a brief update - I've moved to a bigger place, a different city, have a new boyfriend, have a new name - you know just your every day kinda stuff going on.
Regarding the new place, I signed the lease a week after I met NB (talk about timing) and it's 10 miles in the opposite direction from where he lives (approx 30 -60 minutes depending on traffic and 5 cities away). NB loves...art, music, my dogs, his FOUR kids (yes, I said four- talk about winning the jackpot - infertility person finding true love with four little ones?!?!?) obsessed with the Kennedy family almost as much as me, is a foodie, possibly could be talked into doing yoga, makes me laugh (hysterically) and smile till my face hurts. More on NB later...
I am so ready for the weekend to start and guess what will be the highlight - meeting the one and only KATE... Check back on Monday for a full update!
I have morphed back to Kara McGee, no really - even the Social Security Administration along with the DMV... allegedly (I have yet to see the proof). The only place that has me with the douche bag's last name is my bank.... there's irony for you. I really held back during the d-process from ragging on the d-bag and whilst taking the highroad is always a challenge I cling to it for a variety of reasons - mostly karmic so just read between the lines on that bank comment.
So, a brief update - I've moved to a bigger place, a different city, have a new boyfriend, have a new name - you know just your every day kinda stuff going on.
Regarding the new place, I signed the lease a week after I met NB (talk about timing) and it's 10 miles in the opposite direction from where he lives (approx 30 -60 minutes depending on traffic and 5 cities away). NB loves...art, music, my dogs, his FOUR kids (yes, I said four- talk about winning the jackpot - infertility person finding true love with four little ones?!?!?) obsessed with the Kennedy family almost as much as me, is a foodie, possibly could be talked into doing yoga, makes me laugh (hysterically) and smile till my face hurts. More on NB later...
I am so ready for the weekend to start and guess what will be the highlight - meeting the one and only KATE... Check back on Monday for a full update!
20 October 2009
Simple Kind of Life
I broke out the No Doubt last night and listened to this song about 9,856 times. I don't know if there is a song that quite captures how I feel about my marriage ending other than this....
"Simple Kind of Life"
For a long time I was in love
Not only in love, I was obsessed
With a friendship that no one else could touch
It didn't work out, I'm covered in shells
And all I wanted was the simple things
A simple kind of life
And all I needed was a simple man
So I could be a wife
I'm so ashamed, I've been so mean
I don't know how it got to this point
I always was the one with all the love
You came along, I'm hunting you down
Like a Sick domestic abuser looking for a fight
And all I wanted was the simple things
A simple kind of life
If we met tomorrow for the very first time
Would it start all over again?
Would I try to make you mine?
I always thought I'd be a mom
Sometimes I wish for a mistake
The longer that I wait the more selfish that I get
You seem like you'd be a good dad
Now all those simple things are simply too complicated for my life
How'd I get so faithful to my freedom?
A selfish kind of life
When all I ever wanted was the simple things
A simple kind of life
***********************************************************
Ughhhhhh Divorce SUCKS
"Simple Kind of Life"
For a long time I was in love
Not only in love, I was obsessed
With a friendship that no one else could touch
It didn't work out, I'm covered in shells
And all I wanted was the simple things
A simple kind of life
And all I needed was a simple man
So I could be a wife
I'm so ashamed, I've been so mean
I don't know how it got to this point
I always was the one with all the love
You came along, I'm hunting you down
Like a Sick domestic abuser looking for a fight
And all I wanted was the simple things
A simple kind of life
If we met tomorrow for the very first time
Would it start all over again?
Would I try to make you mine?
I always thought I'd be a mom
Sometimes I wish for a mistake
The longer that I wait the more selfish that I get
You seem like you'd be a good dad
Now all those simple things are simply too complicated for my life
How'd I get so faithful to my freedom?
A selfish kind of life
When all I ever wanted was the simple things
A simple kind of life
***********************************************************
Ughhhhhh Divorce SUCKS
14 October 2009
Food
This is a difficult time of year for me to eat healthy as bags of Halloween candy lurk around every corner in the market. My downfall is the Reese's peanut butter cup - in any size. I am an addict so it doesn't matter what color the wrapper is, big, little, miniature.... I'll take whatever I can get my hands on.
Happily, I came across the Clif Builder bar with a WHOPPING 20 grams of protein and the bonus is that it doesn't taste like you are sucking on a penny. I have to say most meal replacement bars have so many vitamins and minerals that you can taste them while your eating it which might not be a problem if you are running a marathon but certainly is a problem if you are eating one at your desk with a vending machine within a stone's throw.
Trader's has them for $1.49 and they are pretty good. I usually eat 2/3 of it around 10:00 AM and that keeps my tummy happy until lunchtime which can happen anytime between 11:30 and 1:00 depending on my schedule and then finish off the rest of the bar in the afternoon.
13 October 2009
Breaking the Girl
The Stipulated Judgement has been signed and I spent more time than I should have with the soon to be EX, last Sunday.
The high road, while so often the road less traveled was my constant companion that day and I walked away feeling deflated, defeated and just a tad broken.
Divorce sucks.
The high road, while so often the road less traveled was my constant companion that day and I walked away feeling deflated, defeated and just a tad broken.
Divorce sucks.
06 October 2009
Food
Nothing says fall in Southern California like recovering from a second degree sunburn (it was 90 degrees on Friday - two words, GLOBAL WARMING) while wearing a turtleneck because it's 49 degrees in your office and a chilly 74 degrees outside. Yes, 74 is chilly when your body has become acclimated to temperatures that exceed 100 degrees, for months at a time. Furthermore, if you think I am whiny about it... you should see my pups in the morning. Upon opening the slider, Sydney will just look at me - her face says " Really, you really want me to go out THERE?!?! Yeahhhh right, your nuts lady". This morning I had to resort to trickery and throw a cookie to get her outside. If felt horrible... bad puppy mommy.
To celebrate fall, I bit into this apple today and now I want to go buy a bag of those caramels and sit by a fireplace...with my turtleneck on.
30 September 2009
Everything Will Be Alright
Yes, it's not only my new mantra and one of my favorite songs from "The Killer's" but I am firmly believing this to become the truth.
Light is shining bright at the end of the divorce tunnel and whilst I would love to give you all more, I simply cannot.
But I will one day... it might be in the form of a blog post, email, book- who knows.
Keeping positive during this experience has been one of my biggest challenges EVER and most days - like today I just feel simply GRATEFUL.
Gratitude is a funny thing, it's a funny feeling and think about the times you feel it.
Light is shining bright at the end of the divorce tunnel and whilst I would love to give you all more, I simply cannot.
But I will one day... it might be in the form of a blog post, email, book- who knows.
Keeping positive during this experience has been one of my biggest challenges EVER and most days - like today I just feel simply GRATEFUL.
Gratitude is a funny thing, it's a funny feeling and think about the times you feel it.
28 September 2009
Hot for Teacher
Make that substitute teacher....
I have an ID badge, a list of activities for grades ranging from K-12 (unless the teacher has left a lesson plan) and a pin number to sub-finder. WATCH OUT.....
The goal is to sub a few days a month supplement my income due to our mandatory furlough. I will have to sub for three days to recoup the costs put forth to become a sub however, there is a sense of calm and peace being able to sub before fully committing to a contracted position. Then there is that tiny factor making me eligible to sign a contract, freaking CSET.
Everything else is going well, boyfriend, lover, cutie patootie... whatever you want to call him is going well. I am really enjoying our times we spend together, especially our long conversations. Dating is so different and a huge adjustment after being married. Fortunately, we are both new to the process so we can face the learning curve together.
All in all - Life is good... can't complain.
So here's hoping for many, many phone calls from sub-finder and let the substitute teaching begin!
I have an ID badge, a list of activities for grades ranging from K-12 (unless the teacher has left a lesson plan) and a pin number to sub-finder. WATCH OUT.....
The goal is to sub a few days a month supplement my income due to our mandatory furlough. I will have to sub for three days to recoup the costs put forth to become a sub however, there is a sense of calm and peace being able to sub before fully committing to a contracted position. Then there is that tiny factor making me eligible to sign a contract, freaking CSET.
Everything else is going well, boyfriend, lover, cutie patootie... whatever you want to call him is going well. I am really enjoying our times we spend together, especially our long conversations. Dating is so different and a huge adjustment after being married. Fortunately, we are both new to the process so we can face the learning curve together.
All in all - Life is good... can't complain.
So here's hoping for many, many phone calls from sub-finder and let the substitute teaching begin!
14 September 2009
My Own Private Idaho
Or… the nine million reasons while I will never live in Idaho (God Willing)
New Beau and I did a road trip to Idaho and yes – I think I am crazy. Who, in their right mind, decides to push a relationship to the envelope of death by doing a road trip after dating 8 weeks? Um, apparently, I do.
My rationale was simple – this was a great opportunity to see a part of the Country I have never been to and spend time with the brand new beau. He was headed to Idaho because he purchased a Semi-truck and needed to get it back to California. The plan was to drive in a regular pick up truck from California to Idaho, fix the semi truck, put the smaller truck in the semi truck and return back to California. His exact words were – it should take 2-5 days, tops. I know, I know – certainly, there has to be a business or a driver you can hire to drive it back. Herein lies the catch – The truck was involved in an accident and he was going to fix it before he drove it down from Idaho. I admired the undertaking and had confidence in his abilities, as this wasn’t the first time he had done this he explained to me during the 8 hour car ride we endured on day one.
There are things that scare me… black widow spiders, driving two lane roads at night, our national debt and oh yeah SEMI TRUCKS. Not stationary of course but barreling down the highway ready to crush any small car that gets in its way scares me to no end. I quickly get out of their way, always avoiding semi trucks and the cement barrier that divides the freeways – I affectionately refer to it as the “Wall of Death”. So talk about meeting my fears, face to face. The part of our adventure that entailed me actually *riding* in a speeding bullet of death - I mean Semi-truck from Idaho to California (if he didn’t drop off at the Boise airport on day 2, deciding he was done dealing with crazy pants Kara) made me want to pee my pants when I thoguht about it but I accepted the invitation and happily went on my way.
So… the car ride on the first day was exciting, we chatted non stop FOR.EIGHT.HOURS. We were three hours outside our planned stop for the day when we both were struck with hunger pangs and decided to stop at a little mini-mart in Fallon Nevada. Now, Fallon is quite small and driving into and out of it reminded me a lot of the Central Valley of California – specifically Fresno. We ran into the mini-mart and noticed there was a collection of tempting offerings at the front counter. This wasn’t an AM/PM chili cheese dog we are speaking about – homemade fried chicken, corn dogs – Lipitor battling, food coma inducing, edible grease. We each grabbed two fried chicken legs and headed to the counter to pay. The woman behind the counter, a native of Fallon that spoke in a twang that made me take pause and wonder again where in the South we had traveled because I thought we were heading North, asked if we were “together”. I assumed she meant our purchase and we both answered yes, in unison. Then she looked at new beau and said “Are you paying for her food also?” He quickly answered “Yes” with an emphatic tone. She turned to me, paused and smiled. I felt the awkwardness of the moment and in attempt to make a joke “I looked at her and said, oh – “Don’t worry, I’ll be paying for it later”. To which she replied, “Honey, Don’t we all, don’t we all.”
I think new beau and I laughed about that moment for the next three hours and were still giggling about it when we hit Winnemuka, Nevada a border town that straddles the Nevada, Oregon and Idaho states. There could be (and one day, might be)a complete post about Winnemuka itself but let me paint the small town picture by saying the major store is a Wal Mart Supercenter and the major hotel is a Best Western that was decorated circa 1987. There isn’t a Coco’s, a Denny’s or a Subway but there is a McDonalds. We ate at the Winnemuka Inn that was also a Casino and I woke up the next morning feeling the after affects of the smoke filled room. I made hacking, gross, noises that normal people probably can’t make. Chuck was concerned and I warned him that this was just the tip of the iceberg; I think he might have said he was scared. We hopped in the car for the drive to our destination – Fruitland, Idaho.
While crossing into Oregon from Nevada, there was just a small sign saying – Welcome to Oregon and it looked – exactly like Nevada. Nary a tree in sight, which made me a little sad, as we continued for what felt like a scene out of the movie groundhog day. Everytime I raised my head and looked out the window or moved my head away from Chuck’s direction it looked like a barren, vast, desert. Sure it was pretty but there is only so much desert to look at, especially when you live in one.
A funny moment involved the checker at Albertsons… as she was ringing up my travel sized items I had ran out of she made a statement about traveling something to the effect of “You must be headed somewhere with all these little travel size items”. I explained that my boyfriend (why does this make me feel like a dorky 16 year old when I say this term) was repairing a semi truck and though we would be leaving in a few days I was running low on some necessities. I know, talk about over-explaining to a fault…. I loved her response…. Oh so you guys are truck drivers. I giggled and then probably more serious than needed to be said in a distinct tone – NO. I was close to going into a short discourse about how repairing semi-trucks were a hobby and this was one of several businesses he owned when I thought oh Kara – Shut up.
Our time spent in Idaho was mostly in the Boise, Nampa, Meridian and Fruitland areas though occasionally we would travel to Ontario, Oregon. Life and its surroundings moved at a much slower pace which I didn’t realize until I came back and home and nearly got into three car accidents within 20 minutes of being back in Southern California.
Road trips are amazing; they feed our soul in a way that is indescribable to me, at this time. Meeting people on the journey, seeing new landscape and spending quality time with the person you are traveling with is really a gift. I got to learn a lot about new beau, what he wants to accomplish with his new business, his personal/relationship goals and we talked a lot about mistakes we made in past relationships. He is always very attentive and appears to be understanding about the Infertility issues. To say that I appreciate his sensitivity is an understatement. True, traveling and spending every waking second with your significant other really adds a whole new level of reality however it also adds depth, character and a deeper connectivity to that person.
I know it’s still new and a lot of how and why I feel things is because of the newness however all I can hope for is to learn from the mistakes I made in the past and keep both my heart and mind open to love again.
Edit**
As I re-read this I am realizing there is just too much I left out so watch for part II, lots more stories about greasy food, guns and the religious right or otherwise noted - My trip to Idaho.
New Beau and I did a road trip to Idaho and yes – I think I am crazy. Who, in their right mind, decides to push a relationship to the envelope of death by doing a road trip after dating 8 weeks? Um, apparently, I do.
My rationale was simple – this was a great opportunity to see a part of the Country I have never been to and spend time with the brand new beau. He was headed to Idaho because he purchased a Semi-truck and needed to get it back to California. The plan was to drive in a regular pick up truck from California to Idaho, fix the semi truck, put the smaller truck in the semi truck and return back to California. His exact words were – it should take 2-5 days, tops. I know, I know – certainly, there has to be a business or a driver you can hire to drive it back. Herein lies the catch – The truck was involved in an accident and he was going to fix it before he drove it down from Idaho. I admired the undertaking and had confidence in his abilities, as this wasn’t the first time he had done this he explained to me during the 8 hour car ride we endured on day one.
There are things that scare me… black widow spiders, driving two lane roads at night, our national debt and oh yeah SEMI TRUCKS. Not stationary of course but barreling down the highway ready to crush any small car that gets in its way scares me to no end. I quickly get out of their way, always avoiding semi trucks and the cement barrier that divides the freeways – I affectionately refer to it as the “Wall of Death”. So talk about meeting my fears, face to face. The part of our adventure that entailed me actually *riding* in a speeding bullet of death - I mean Semi-truck from Idaho to California (if he didn’t drop off at the Boise airport on day 2, deciding he was done dealing with crazy pants Kara) made me want to pee my pants when I thoguht about it but I accepted the invitation and happily went on my way.
So… the car ride on the first day was exciting, we chatted non stop FOR.EIGHT.HOURS. We were three hours outside our planned stop for the day when we both were struck with hunger pangs and decided to stop at a little mini-mart in Fallon Nevada. Now, Fallon is quite small and driving into and out of it reminded me a lot of the Central Valley of California – specifically Fresno. We ran into the mini-mart and noticed there was a collection of tempting offerings at the front counter. This wasn’t an AM/PM chili cheese dog we are speaking about – homemade fried chicken, corn dogs – Lipitor battling, food coma inducing, edible grease. We each grabbed two fried chicken legs and headed to the counter to pay. The woman behind the counter, a native of Fallon that spoke in a twang that made me take pause and wonder again where in the South we had traveled because I thought we were heading North, asked if we were “together”. I assumed she meant our purchase and we both answered yes, in unison. Then she looked at new beau and said “Are you paying for her food also?” He quickly answered “Yes” with an emphatic tone. She turned to me, paused and smiled. I felt the awkwardness of the moment and in attempt to make a joke “I looked at her and said, oh – “Don’t worry, I’ll be paying for it later”. To which she replied, “Honey, Don’t we all, don’t we all.”
I think new beau and I laughed about that moment for the next three hours and were still giggling about it when we hit Winnemuka, Nevada a border town that straddles the Nevada, Oregon and Idaho states. There could be (and one day, might be)a complete post about Winnemuka itself but let me paint the small town picture by saying the major store is a Wal Mart Supercenter and the major hotel is a Best Western that was decorated circa 1987. There isn’t a Coco’s, a Denny’s or a Subway but there is a McDonalds. We ate at the Winnemuka Inn that was also a Casino and I woke up the next morning feeling the after affects of the smoke filled room. I made hacking, gross, noises that normal people probably can’t make. Chuck was concerned and I warned him that this was just the tip of the iceberg; I think he might have said he was scared. We hopped in the car for the drive to our destination – Fruitland, Idaho.
While crossing into Oregon from Nevada, there was just a small sign saying – Welcome to Oregon and it looked – exactly like Nevada. Nary a tree in sight, which made me a little sad, as we continued for what felt like a scene out of the movie groundhog day. Everytime I raised my head and looked out the window or moved my head away from Chuck’s direction it looked like a barren, vast, desert. Sure it was pretty but there is only so much desert to look at, especially when you live in one.
A funny moment involved the checker at Albertsons… as she was ringing up my travel sized items I had ran out of she made a statement about traveling something to the effect of “You must be headed somewhere with all these little travel size items”. I explained that my boyfriend (why does this make me feel like a dorky 16 year old when I say this term) was repairing a semi truck and though we would be leaving in a few days I was running low on some necessities. I know, talk about over-explaining to a fault…. I loved her response…. Oh so you guys are truck drivers. I giggled and then probably more serious than needed to be said in a distinct tone – NO. I was close to going into a short discourse about how repairing semi-trucks were a hobby and this was one of several businesses he owned when I thought oh Kara – Shut up.
Our time spent in Idaho was mostly in the Boise, Nampa, Meridian and Fruitland areas though occasionally we would travel to Ontario, Oregon. Life and its surroundings moved at a much slower pace which I didn’t realize until I came back and home and nearly got into three car accidents within 20 minutes of being back in Southern California.
Road trips are amazing; they feed our soul in a way that is indescribable to me, at this time. Meeting people on the journey, seeing new landscape and spending quality time with the person you are traveling with is really a gift. I got to learn a lot about new beau, what he wants to accomplish with his new business, his personal/relationship goals and we talked a lot about mistakes we made in past relationships. He is always very attentive and appears to be understanding about the Infertility issues. To say that I appreciate his sensitivity is an understatement. True, traveling and spending every waking second with your significant other really adds a whole new level of reality however it also adds depth, character and a deeper connectivity to that person.
I know it’s still new and a lot of how and why I feel things is because of the newness however all I can hope for is to learn from the mistakes I made in the past and keep both my heart and mind open to love again.
Edit**
As I re-read this I am realizing there is just too much I left out so watch for part II, lots more stories about greasy food, guns and the religious right or otherwise noted - My trip to Idaho.
01 September 2009
27 August 2009
Imagine
They heard the heartbeat.
Newest McGee will appear around mid-March.
Life is good.
For the first time, in a very long time I have peace in my heart regarding a pregnancy and feel the natural joy one should without the craziness of infertility skewing my emotions. While I will always have the battle scars of infertility, I no longer feel beat up by the raw emotions of it.
I feel like I can forge ahead and focus on the things I do have control over....finally.
Newest McGee will appear around mid-March.
Life is good.
For the first time, in a very long time I have peace in my heart regarding a pregnancy and feel the natural joy one should without the craziness of infertility skewing my emotions. While I will always have the battle scars of infertility, I no longer feel beat up by the raw emotions of it.
I feel like I can forge ahead and focus on the things I do have control over....finally.
26 August 2009
19th Nervous Breakdown- Birthday Edition
So here's a quick update on what is going on the world of Kara.....
I am ANOTHER year older (dammit)
I had one SERIOUSLY great birthday event of celebrating in the following fashion...
Friday morning - Birthday breakfast with girlfriends.
Saturday night - early dinner with mom, another couple and new beau
Later Saturday night - strolled Laguna with new beau where he bought myopic woman by Dr. Seuss.
Sunday-continued strolling Laguna with new beau, ate an amazing breakfast, visited the Sawdust festival, discussed art, had tres romantic walk on beach before we went here for dinner.
Monday- woke to said new beau whispering softly, the words, "Happy Birthday", had breakfast at amazing bakery, went to Glen Ivy where I got the most *interesting* massage of my entire life (will discuss later) and had dinner with my dad, his fiancee and new beau.
BEST BIRTHDAY IN A REALLY, REALLY LONG TIME!!!!
Edit*** - more about the breakdown later, it was a rough week prior to celebrating.
I am ANOTHER year older (dammit)
I had one SERIOUSLY great birthday event of celebrating in the following fashion...
Friday morning - Birthday breakfast with girlfriends.
Saturday night - early dinner with mom, another couple and new beau
Later Saturday night - strolled Laguna with new beau where he bought myopic woman by Dr. Seuss.
Sunday-continued strolling Laguna with new beau, ate an amazing breakfast, visited the Sawdust festival, discussed art, had tres romantic walk on beach before we went here for dinner.
Monday- woke to said new beau whispering softly, the words, "Happy Birthday", had breakfast at amazing bakery, went to Glen Ivy where I got the most *interesting* massage of my entire life (will discuss later) and had dinner with my dad, his fiancee and new beau.
BEST BIRTHDAY IN A REALLY, REALLY LONG TIME!!!!
Edit*** - more about the breakdown later, it was a rough week prior to celebrating.
18 August 2009
My Favorite Mistake
Remember your first love?
The first person to tell you they loved you? .
The heartbreak of when it all fell to pieces.
Remember crying and thinking you'll never quite love someone to that depth and magnitude ever again?
Mine happen to all be the same person and thanks to Face book, I got to see his wedding photos last week. He looks happy, she has a beautiful smile. I noticed the sadness reflected in his eyes of his deceased parents being there only in spirit.
Jaded? perhaps. Bitter? Oh God, I hope never. Protective of this heart O'mine- ALWAYS.
The first person to tell you they loved you? .
The heartbreak of when it all fell to pieces.
Remember crying and thinking you'll never quite love someone to that depth and magnitude ever again?
Mine happen to all be the same person and thanks to Face book, I got to see his wedding photos last week. He looks happy, she has a beautiful smile. I noticed the sadness reflected in his eyes of his deceased parents being there only in spirit.
Jaded? perhaps. Bitter? Oh God, I hope never. Protective of this heart O'mine- ALWAYS.
24 May 2009
Pretty in Pink
In an effort to thwart the overwhelming list of responsibilities staring me in the face (homework, getting paperwork ready for divorce...looking for a teaching job that doesn't require the CSET). I decided to take yesterday off and deal with this mess
My organizational skills are not the best, I'll admit but I am severely handicapped with a huge space (or lack there of) issue. Not alot of work got completed at this desk. Hmph... I wonder why. Probably because the fan was in the way, not to mention the enormous stack of paper.
After a few hours of limping around IKEA... I was happy just to get to this point. A picture of my future desk.
The directions clearly stated that it was going to take 2 people and I quickly discovered that a hammer and screwdriver were required as well. I was determined to get the thing built and got all the way to step 2 until I had to call for reinforcements - my good friend Regina. I didn't even have to bribe her.... now that's friendship.
While I was out shopping, I found this tres chic and sooooo comfortable Umbra chair on sale for $30 bucks at The Container Store. Yes, that would be hot pink - the new color theme of my desk area.
My organizational skills are not the best, I'll admit but I am severely handicapped with a huge space (or lack there of) issue. Not alot of work got completed at this desk. Hmph... I wonder why. Probably because the fan was in the way, not to mention the enormous stack of paper.
After a few hours of limping around IKEA... I was happy just to get to this point. A picture of my future desk.
The directions clearly stated that it was going to take 2 people and I quickly discovered that a hammer and screwdriver were required as well. I was determined to get the thing built and got all the way to step 2 until I had to call for reinforcements - my good friend Regina. I didn't even have to bribe her.... now that's friendship.
While I was out shopping, I found this tres chic and sooooo comfortable Umbra chair on sale for $30 bucks at The Container Store. Yes, that would be hot pink - the new color theme of my desk area.
Voila!?!
The new desk area, now I just need to get out of bed and get to work. My knee didn't particularly like all the shopping yesterday and swelled to 3 times the size of the other knee.
The new desk area, now I just need to get out of bed and get to work. My knee didn't particularly like all the shopping yesterday and swelled to 3 times the size of the other knee.
22 May 2009
Fix You
I don't give Duane much thought....ordinarily.... only when I think about what he is costing me, his health insurance, his insane dental bill, the truck he drives that is in my name... all which bring my blood to a rolling boil.
Then there are the times where I get angry because he is not around and damn if I could just totally use his strong yet soft shoulder to cry on. For instance, when I fell off of the bike this week - I screamed that it was all his fault, my mother instantly agreed without using basic logic to point out that it was really in no absolute way, his fault. God love her....I do. Or today, when I went looking through my old blog to discover that a year ago tomorrow - we became foster parents and I remember that road we faced together with humor and trepidation where I watched a man I knew as my husband become a brave father. Then like a bad dream... I remember that those feelings are part of the past, though felt in the present will never be the future....ever.
The girls, no doubt, made indelible impression on my heart. Their laughter, their request to watch "Enchanted" over and over and over again, the marvel at watching their faces explode with happiness as the looked at the big, blue ocean for the first time - realizing their was something "greater" than visiting a pool and who could forget the lice (certainly, not I). I was thinking this evening about where they are in their lives, so I wrote a lovely note to their teacher - hoping that she will receive it before the school year gets out, I might even hand deliver it next Friday on my day off. I phoned the agency we worked with and they had not received a call about placement for the girls which doesn't necessarily mean that they haven't been returned to the system - especially if the girls had the same social worker.
What did I learn from two young sweet peas who seemed to breeze in and out of my life like a gentle wind - a smile is worth a million dollars, a high five can make a kids day, a hug is better than money and positive energy can give a child hope.
Then there are the times where I get angry because he is not around and damn if I could just totally use his strong yet soft shoulder to cry on. For instance, when I fell off of the bike this week - I screamed that it was all his fault, my mother instantly agreed without using basic logic to point out that it was really in no absolute way, his fault. God love her....I do. Or today, when I went looking through my old blog to discover that a year ago tomorrow - we became foster parents and I remember that road we faced together with humor and trepidation where I watched a man I knew as my husband become a brave father. Then like a bad dream... I remember that those feelings are part of the past, though felt in the present will never be the future....ever.
The girls, no doubt, made indelible impression on my heart. Their laughter, their request to watch "Enchanted" over and over and over again, the marvel at watching their faces explode with happiness as the looked at the big, blue ocean for the first time - realizing their was something "greater" than visiting a pool and who could forget the lice (certainly, not I). I was thinking this evening about where they are in their lives, so I wrote a lovely note to their teacher - hoping that she will receive it before the school year gets out, I might even hand deliver it next Friday on my day off. I phoned the agency we worked with and they had not received a call about placement for the girls which doesn't necessarily mean that they haven't been returned to the system - especially if the girls had the same social worker.
What did I learn from two young sweet peas who seemed to breeze in and out of my life like a gentle wind - a smile is worth a million dollars, a high five can make a kids day, a hug is better than money and positive energy can give a child hope.
To little girl and Big Girl who touched my heart and soul
Thank you for letting me be your mommy, if only for a short time.
Thank you for letting me be your mommy, if only for a short time.
20 May 2009
Free fallin
I am laying in bed when I should be at work, my knee is throbbing and the Tylenol with codeine has not kicked in yet.
In an effort to get my bodacious bod back, I have been riding my mountain bike a few days a week. Last night, I was 25 minutes into 45 minute loop that I have been doing when I decided to mix it up a bit and go up this kind of steep hill *because I thought it would be alot of fun to go down the hill*. During the descent, I hit water and lost control of the bike. I landed in a driveway of a condo association with the bike frame resting heavily on my right knee. I layed for a minute going down the list of questions you ask- Can I breathe? Am I bleeding? Who is the president? AND THEN I FREAKED OUT realizing I was in the driveway and tried to get up on my legs. HA HA HA... the legs were not working - both of them and then I started crying because I thought I had really screwed my body up and crawled on my arms over to the sidewalk, grabbed my phone and called my mom.
I knew my mom was in the garden and was wondering if she would even pick up the phone when I heard her voice and just sobbed into the phone "Come get me, I fell off of my bike and I need help mom". Before she could respond, a man came up to me, from behind scaring the shit out of me and yelled "ARE YOU OK?" I think he thought I may have had a concussion or something but hellooooo I was on the phone? Who has a concussion and makes a phone call. OK, anyway. He was 1/2 of a nice older duo that pulled their car over after they watched me take my spill. The nice wife quickly calmed the scary man down who , at first I thought was a homeless man trying to mug me and then realized he was talking funny because he was from a different country. In my defense, even my mom thought he was a bit strange and possibly drunk but his wife was nice so they balanced each other out.
My mom called our friends Lyle and Sylvia who live in the condo association of the driveway where the event happened and they took my bike back to their house as my mom and I sped off to Kaiser where I played a rousing rendition of "does this hurt" with a doctor as he bent my leg in a million different directions - Good times. He mentioned that I was flexible and I mentioned the word Yoga and he mentioned something about the injury could have been alot worse if without the yoga and that I was to be putting all exercise (yoga included) on hold for 10 days because like crack - exercise kills.... Just kidding. I had a funny moment with my friend J about the dangers of exercise and how I should just really steer clear of any strenuous kind of exercise from here moving forward. All in good fun and jest, of course.
My mother who is just one of the most entertaining people that has this completely wacky side kept me in stictches. I busted out my I-Pod to keep her entertained and stop her from asking me how I was feeling every 5 minutes and she was hooked. The hillarious part was when she wanted to tell me something while the earbuds were in and she didn't realize the volume of her voice. The other moment of laughing insanity was after nurse bitchy-bitch had asked Dr. "I love yoga, but I am not afraid to give you drugs" if I needed crutches and after he confirmed and brought them and excused himself from the room, my mother decided to try to do the moonwalk - using the crutches. I laughed so hard I really thought I might pee my pants.
The funny moments she provided were helpful as I had some really crappy ones, like when I got wheeled into X-ray and the tech asked me if there was a chance I could be pregnant. I would have love to come up with something really witty and slightly awkard...but all I could muster was a pathetic..... no. The next moment of ick happened when we returned to Kaiser to pick up my meds and the only parking available was in the Labor and Delivery parking only section that showed a huge stork with a baby and some joyous banter about babies..... URGHHHHHh. All of this so feeling on the surface right now, are these feelings as it was a year ago today that I got the call that I would become a foster parent. I imagine more feelings will resurface within the next week so...there's your warning.
I arrived home with a pair of crutches, prescription Tylenol with codeine, a knee brace and order to not return to work until Friday.
So, while I would like to think I am the bee's knees.... my right knee is struggling. I have an appointment on Friday to see an occupational specialist who will probably twist and turn my knee in another million directions.
16 May 2009
Stir it up
Blog.... what blog?
I know, it's been two weeks since I've last posted. This is not a pattern, the last two weeks have been hmmmmmm what are words I'm looking for... wacky, I guess really sums it up.
I have....
been selected for jury duty, selected for a trial, rendered a guilty verdict that was someones 3rd strike (minor detail was not revealed until 2nd phase of trial, BTW) and that was only 4 of the last 15 days.
had the pleasure of being told that Duane has hired a lawyer (it's going to get ugly)
gone on a date with a man that is older than my father (fortunately I have a young dad) and in better shape than anyone I know. He just finished a 50 mile bike ride and *seems* to have it together(financially/emotionally/physically). A second date is scheduled but I am not sure if it will take place. I'll keep you posted....
have developed a new game plan for my life.... wanna hear?
OK, hear it goes. Clearly, I need pass the CSET in order to become a teacher - no two ways about it. School is school and will always be there... it pains me to say this but I will *more likely than not* NOT graduate this December because in order to do so I have to obtain a student teaching contract and in order to do this I would need to obtain need an intern eligible letter from my school and they will only write this letter with the ENTIRE CSET having been passed.
Ironic, how everything hinges on something else - such is life. I've been in touch with some districts who happen to be willing to hire with only one of the CSET components being passed so in the off chance/rarer than rare and on the level of winning the lottery I actually get hired for the 2009-10 school year, it will be short of a mirrrrrrracle. These positions are just so few and far between and hey -guess what? I am not the only one that is having challenges passing the CSET? WHO KNEW????? I would also like to include that the chance of getting hired, in this economy/ with a million other SPED teachers looking for work is probably somewhere along the lines of meeting/having dinner with/and participating in amazing, earth shattering, mind bending, passionate sex with Anthony Bourdain.
I know, it's been two weeks since I've last posted. This is not a pattern, the last two weeks have been hmmmmmm what are words I'm looking for... wacky, I guess really sums it up.
I have....
been selected for jury duty, selected for a trial, rendered a guilty verdict that was someones 3rd strike (minor detail was not revealed until 2nd phase of trial, BTW) and that was only 4 of the last 15 days.
had the pleasure of being told that Duane has hired a lawyer (it's going to get ugly)
gone on a date with a man that is older than my father (fortunately I have a young dad) and in better shape than anyone I know. He just finished a 50 mile bike ride and *seems* to have it together(financially/emotionally/physically). A second date is scheduled but I am not sure if it will take place. I'll keep you posted....
have developed a new game plan for my life.... wanna hear?
OK, hear it goes. Clearly, I need pass the CSET in order to become a teacher - no two ways about it. School is school and will always be there... it pains me to say this but I will *more likely than not* NOT graduate this December because in order to do so I have to obtain a student teaching contract and in order to do this I would need to obtain need an intern eligible letter from my school and they will only write this letter with the ENTIRE CSET having been passed.
Ironic, how everything hinges on something else - such is life. I've been in touch with some districts who happen to be willing to hire with only one of the CSET components being passed so in the off chance/rarer than rare and on the level of winning the lottery I actually get hired for the 2009-10 school year, it will be short of a mirrrrrrracle. These positions are just so few and far between and hey -guess what? I am not the only one that is having challenges passing the CSET? WHO KNEW????? I would also like to include that the chance of getting hired, in this economy/ with a million other SPED teachers looking for work is probably somewhere along the lines of meeting/having dinner with/and participating in amazing, earth shattering, mind bending, passionate sex with Anthony Bourdain.
A girl can dream - right?
I am working on plan B and it involves either becoming a teacher in another state or becoming a Professional Anthony Bourdain groupie.......
01 May 2009
Every little thing she does is magic
I wish I could say... I haven't written because I've been busy traveling the globe.
I wish I could say....I haven't written because it was difficult to put pen to paper (well, ok - fingers to keyboard).
I wish I could say... I haven't written because I have been lacking Internet connection.
I wish I could say... I don't have time to write this post because I am off to the Derby to go drink a mint julep and wear a pretty hat.
Nope, no good excuses -
I haven't written lately because I no longer felt my space at becoming parents was where I should be and knew that I had to create a new space. But.... wait, there was something comfortable about that space and I wasn't quite ready to leave it. And like I can only imagine the pain of childbirth to be - creating a new space was exciting, fun and very painful. I am completely word press challenged and that is why I am back on blogger, the functionality is key.
So, sadly, no longer trying to become a parent but becoming a better, healthier version of Kara. There was a bit of sadness and not wanting to let go in that regard. I didn't want to stop trying to become a parent so why would I stop writing on that blog? Because that blog represents a chapter in my life that is coming to a close - Good, Bad, Ugly - that is infertility, that is marriage and ultimately, that is life. I can't think badly about that chapter as those experiences/people because they made me who I am today and I am loving the person that I am today.
And boy did I have stuff to say, lots of it. So I decided to mark today, the mark of completing my first three months of being a single girl, the first of May or May Day to write my first cathartic post. No dancing around the maypole for me today, just spewing my guts on the WWW.
Where to begin? I guess at the beginning...
It's been three months, since the split and while the paperwork side of the divorce is moving along (at a snail's pace, btw) there is this state of limbo that I have (FINALLY) embraced. My dad lectured me (yeah, he still lectures me and apparently, I still listen- old habits) about embracing my "inner urban camper". During he and my mom's last divorce (they had two total) he was staying in the beach apartment in Laguna, an apartment in Riverside and traveled as much as he could to stay with friends and family. His therapist at the time coined the phrase "urban camping" to remind him that he needed to embrace this experience and it has just sorta stuck with our family. So, I am no longer bitching left and right about living with my mom who loves me every moment of the day - even when I am the worlds biggest grump, which is nearly every morning. We have found a balance to give each other the space we need and when I miss my "stuff" I go visit the storage unit. Consequently, when I want to buy "stuff" I go visit the storage unit. If the storage unit had running water - I would live there and of course of the storage unit had running water I guess it would be considered an apartment.
Like any good person going through an abundant load of shit... I totally fought the spirit of the urban camper - until recently. I do, finally, feel like I have a schedule, routine and remember my sense of self once again. I hate to beat the yoga horse again but I have to give credit to where it is due. I would not be here, at this place, in this moment, where I finally have a more peaceful heart without the stability and calming effect that yoga provides.
And now for the updates... work, family, friends and life in general
Work - I still have a job, it's just not the job I am going to school for nor does it feed my soul. It does however, feed my bank account so I am fortunate in that regard. I am studying, feverishly, for the CSET and hoping to be in the classroom, next fall.
Family and friends - ALL OF YOU ARE AMAZING. Thank you to each and every one of you. Your love, unending support and friendship comprise my life's many blessings. Thank you seems small in comparison to the magnitude and depth that has been your kindness. I continue to see my nephew and niece on a regular basis and when Cole stays with my mom and I, my favorite moment is when he wakes me up in the morning, climbs into bed with me to snuggle and then whispers "Auntie, can I play on your laptop". He thinks it's a riot that Auntie Kara likes "The Backyardigans". He is in T-ball and doing really well while my niece Ella cheers him from the sidelines. I attend his practices and games regularly and enjoy screaming "RUN, COLE, RUN".
Life in general.... where to begin? I started seeing a nice dude, teaches Special Ed., had foster kids, crazy ex - our similarities were....scary. His birth date was my wedding anniversary, his wedding anniversary was my mom's birth date, really. Almost too much in common and found myself slipping into old habits so I jumped ship and he's angry, mad, sad with me and he will heal and he will find another to love. He was a very special guy - it just didn't work. It's not fun cringing when your cell phone rings, wondering - is it the ex-boyfriend or ex-husband? Nope, not fun at all.
Let's see, what else -
Ok, well I am off to spend time with family in San Clemente and San Diego this weekend. Tonight, I will get to watch a young cousin proudly show off her mad Irish dance skillz, I'll get to chat with my Aunt and listen to my other cousin practice on the piano. Saturday, I'll cruise down to San Diego, where most of my family resides and plan to visit with my Grandfather, the cantankerous spirit has received his second eviction notice because, well, that's just the kind of rebel, ass-kicking blood line I come from and I wouldn't have it any other way. I will also visit another Aunt and her partner who are in the process of rebuilding their home they lost in those horrific fires a few years ago and marvel at the Phoenix rising from the cement slab of their foundation, that will become home. I know seeing this will have an amazing impact as I remember the grey dust smelling of pain and sorrow that sifted through the fingers of my dad and I as we struggled to choke back tears to try to find any of her belongings, the sudden smile that appeared on her face when my dad presented her with several frozen Charlotte glass dolls that amazingly survived, the sadness of her loss and her hopefulness to rebuild her dream which is now coming to fruition.
So, stay safe this weekend, be happy and love another.
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