I wish I could say... I haven't written because I've been busy traveling the globe.
I wish I could say....I haven't written because it was difficult to put pen to paper (well, ok - fingers to keyboard).
I wish I could say... I haven't written because I have been lacking Internet connection.
I wish I could say... I don't have time to write this post because I am off to the Derby to go drink a mint julep and wear a pretty hat.
Nope, no good excuses -
I haven't written lately because I no longer felt my space at becoming parents was where I should be and knew that I had to create a new space. But.... wait, there was something comfortable about that space and I wasn't quite ready to leave it. And like I can only imagine the pain of childbirth to be - creating a new space was exciting, fun and very painful. I am completely word press challenged and that is why I am back on blogger, the functionality is key.
So, sadly, no longer trying to become a parent but becoming a better, healthier version of Kara. There was a bit of sadness and not wanting to let go in that regard. I didn't want to stop trying to become a parent so why would I stop writing on that blog? Because that blog represents a chapter in my life that is coming to a close - Good, Bad, Ugly - that is infertility, that is marriage and ultimately, that is life. I can't think badly about that chapter as those experiences/people because they made me who I am today and I am loving the person that I am today.
And boy did I have stuff to say, lots of it. So I decided to mark today, the mark of completing my first three months of being a single girl, the first of May or May Day to write my first cathartic post. No dancing around the maypole for me today, just spewing my guts on the WWW.
Where to begin? I guess at the beginning...
It's been three months, since the split and while the paperwork side of the divorce is moving along (at a snail's pace, btw) there is this state of limbo that I have (FINALLY) embraced. My dad lectured me (yeah, he still lectures me and apparently, I still listen- old habits) about embracing my "inner urban camper". During he and my mom's last divorce (they had two total) he was staying in the beach apartment in Laguna, an apartment in Riverside and traveled as much as he could to stay with friends and family. His therapist at the time coined the phrase "urban camping" to remind him that he needed to embrace this experience and it has just sorta stuck with our family. So, I am no longer bitching left and right about living with my mom who loves me every moment of the day - even when I am the worlds biggest grump, which is nearly every morning. We have found a balance to give each other the space we need and when I miss my "stuff" I go visit the storage unit. Consequently, when I want to buy "stuff" I go visit the storage unit. If the storage unit had running water - I would live there and of course of the storage unit had running water I guess it would be considered an apartment.
Like any good person going through an abundant load of shit... I totally fought the spirit of the urban camper - until recently. I do, finally, feel like I have a schedule, routine and remember my sense of self once again. I hate to beat the yoga horse again but I have to give credit to where it is due. I would not be here, at this place, in this moment, where I finally have a more peaceful heart without the stability and calming effect that yoga provides.
And now for the updates... work, family, friends and life in general
Work - I still have a job, it's just not the job I am going to school for nor does it feed my soul. It does however, feed my bank account so I am fortunate in that regard. I am studying, feverishly, for the CSET and hoping to be in the classroom, next fall.
Family and friends - ALL OF YOU ARE AMAZING. Thank you to each and every one of you. Your love, unending support and friendship comprise my life's many blessings. Thank you seems small in comparison to the magnitude and depth that has been your kindness. I continue to see my nephew and niece on a regular basis and when Cole stays with my mom and I, my favorite moment is when he wakes me up in the morning, climbs into bed with me to snuggle and then whispers "Auntie, can I play on your laptop". He thinks it's a riot that Auntie Kara likes "The Backyardigans". He is in T-ball and doing really well while my niece Ella cheers him from the sidelines. I attend his practices and games regularly and enjoy screaming "RUN, COLE, RUN".
Life in general.... where to begin? I started seeing a nice dude, teaches Special Ed., had foster kids, crazy ex - our similarities were....scary. His birth date was my wedding anniversary, his wedding anniversary was my mom's birth date, really. Almost too much in common and found myself slipping into old habits so I jumped ship and he's angry, mad, sad with me and he will heal and he will find another to love. He was a very special guy - it just didn't work. It's not fun cringing when your cell phone rings, wondering - is it the ex-boyfriend or ex-husband? Nope, not fun at all.
Let's see, what else -
Ok, well I am off to spend time with family in San Clemente and San Diego this weekend. Tonight, I will get to watch a young cousin proudly show off her mad Irish dance skillz, I'll get to chat with my Aunt and listen to my other cousin practice on the piano. Saturday, I'll cruise down to San Diego, where most of my family resides and plan to visit with my Grandfather, the cantankerous spirit has received his second eviction notice because, well, that's just the kind of rebel, ass-kicking blood line I come from and I wouldn't have it any other way. I will also visit another Aunt and her partner who are in the process of rebuilding their home they lost in those horrific fires a few years ago and marvel at the Phoenix rising from the cement slab of their foundation, that will become home. I know seeing this will have an amazing impact as I remember the grey dust smelling of pain and sorrow that sifted through the fingers of my dad and I as we struggled to choke back tears to try to find any of her belongings, the sudden smile that appeared on her face when my dad presented her with several frozen Charlotte glass dolls that amazingly survived, the sadness of her loss and her hopefulness to rebuild her dream which is now coming to fruition.
So, stay safe this weekend, be happy and love another.
