Remember...

Somewhere between 4th and 6th grade ( the memory is shot) I picked up a book that I left an imprint on my heart and soul - "The Diary of Anne Frank". My parents divorced (for the first time) while I was in the 5th grade, so memories of 4th through 6th are a bit spotty. Back to the book, it left such a monumental impact on this young reader. Reading her words ignited a trend to inspire me to continue to read with an excitement I had never encountered before. More importantly, it sparked the curiosity to learn more about the Holocaust and learning that genocide, as much as the world is against it and we don't think it is a relevant issue, hoping against hope that we won't experience it in our lifetime - the possibility is a reality for the following groups of people living in Sudan, Bosnia, Chechnya, Burundi and Rwanda.

Back to Anne, years later when I got to visit her home in Amsterdam, I was overwhelmed with emotion. Who wouldn't be? Before visiting Europe, I visited the Museum of Tolerance in Los Angeles where I got to hear a survivor of the Holocaust survivor recount the horrific details. You could have heard a pin drop, everyone listened so intently. It was heart wrenching hearing this woman, probably around her 70's, speak, in a detailed manner about life in the concentration camps and how she can remember that her mother gave her a piece of bread as a birthday present because it was such a treat at that time. As I learn more about Judaism, I feel even more connected to this religion and more passionate about human rights issues, specifically this issue.

Today, April 11th is Yom Hashoah or translated, Holocaust Remembrance Day. Handsome and I will be attending a memorial today at the new temple around 3:00 to honor those who lost their lives and experienced this horrific act of genocide - The Holocaust.

To learn more, please visit United States Holocaust Memorial Museum

Life....

Oh where to even begin this blog post... hmm. I've been pretty sucky about not posting regularly because life has flung me both moments good and bad that can all be encapsulated as chaotic.

The short story

Shortly after St. Patrick's day, actually two days after on Friday, March 19th my dad suffered a heart attack. Luckily, he experienced the heart attack in the hospital and even luckier - he had minimal heart damage and was released from the hospital the day after. He continues to do remarkable with his recovery and after taking a week off of work - he returned to his normal routine.

The longer version

I got the phone call from my brother who told me that Dad had been admitted to the hospital but not to head to Riverside just yet. YEAH, RIGHT is what went through my mind as I verbally said, um... ok to my brother. I hung up the phone, quickly changed from my pj's to jeans and a sweater, put my shoes on as I was walking out the door.... crying... hysterically... while handsome's kids watched. Oh, what a moment that was. The thirty minute drive felt like 30 billion years and I was bargaining with God like you could not even begin to imagine.

I pulled into the hospital parking lot, the same hospital where I was a week prior visiting my brother, sister-in law and newest member of our family - Paige McGee. It's the hospital where my other niece and only nephew, my brother and myself were born as well. Only life began here... not ended.

There was no news that differed from the 187 times I called my brother and as I ran into the hospital I hugged both my brother and my dad's fiancee, Khanh. Ryan (my brother) and I negotiated on who would call all ten of his siblings and argued over who would call the grandparents, my dad's parents. Each sibling had a different response but the consistency of care and concern remained.

I will NEVER forget when the doctor walked in the room and we all stood there looking at her and at each other...waiting for words, good words to come out of her mouth. "He's out" she said...in unison we repeated her exact words. "Is he awake?" I said. "Yes, come on in and say hello to him", she replied.

Walking through several sets of doors, we then turned a corner where a curtain had been drawn on a specific patient. A patient I know as Dad. We all hugged, the tears flowed heavily and we all told him exactly how much we love him. The doctor came by to explain that there was 100% blockage in one of the artery's and a stint had been placed into that artery that caused the heart attack when the blood flow stopped. With the stint, the blood flow returns to normal and that there was minimal damage done to the heart itself.

There are about nine million other details I could bore you with but I am so TIRED of talking about it, explaining it and thinking about it because as happy as I am that he is doing so well, the rethinking and rehashing is almost too unbearable at times to think about.

I will leave with one interesting conversation I had with my dad shortly after his follow up with the cardiologist. My dad stated that the doctor really couldn't explain why he had the heart attack, my dad if fit as a fiddle, mostly everything in moderation, not a smoker, practices meditation but the old DNA is where it gets us....family history of heart disease, high cholesterol until he started using lipitor. What my dad said next will forever be imprinted in my memory "Kara, it's like they can only guess what happened, they don't know for sure. In fact, only one person knows for sure- God." My dad rarely talks about his faith so I was stunned but I felt like he was ready to hear it so I followed with " I know exactly how you feel Dad, I experienced the same frustration when I was going through infertility." I felt like he finally might have a sense of what I went through the bitch of the diagnosis that is unexplained infertility. Anyway, enough of that.

*****

I vaguely mentioned above that we had three of handsome's kiddos visit us, all at once - which is like crazy to go from being a household of two and then exploding to five in one day. Fortunately, we had his youngest for a few days before the others to help get us into gear but whoa.... three kids. We were totally outnumbered and yet I loved every (well, mostly every) minute of it.

*****

Handsome, as I mentioned before, is Jewish and I have attended temple with him several times. Happily, we have found a temple that is accepting of inter-faith couples and has a great rabbi - think Joe Pesci meets Danny Devito and speaks Yiddish. I hope that I can *eventually* get over the awkwardness, fear and anxiety that plagues me as I walk into temple. The Jews are very welcoming but certainly not stupid and I feel as though every woman is scrutinizing this shiksa, from top to bottom. The last time we attended temple, the service was great and I was able to really pull the main lesson from the Rabbi's message. Thankfully, the temple here in Murrieta has the phonetic pronunciation of what the congregation is saying in Hebrew so I was able to *fake it*, kind of. The sad part is that this temple, the oldest in Murrieta - has some of the oldest people in Murrieta attending it.

After we said our Shabbot Shalom's to our neighbors and the other 30 people in attendance, we were greeted by both the Rabbi and the President of the temple. They were ecstatic to see people in attendance who were not medicare eligible, who might have children, young and gasp- JEWISH. They were both so nice and welcoming. Handsome explained that it was imperative that the temple we attend MUST accept interfaith couples. Ahhh, did I tell you that I am so in love with him. He has, never once, asked me to convert because he knows that I identify myself so much with the Catholic church. And this is where it gets difficult to think about let alone type out here in the world wide web. I love that when I attend temple it fulfills a piece of me that hasn't been fed in years, perhaps since I attended Catholic school. Apart from the latest crisis the Catholic church is facing, I have other issues - for the past several years I have not been able to understand what most of the priests say. I have decent hearing but it feels like there is some passion being left out of their sermon and I have never once thought - I can't wait to come back next week and attempt to decipher what this guy is saying.

Ok, back to where I was before I spiraled out of control....My temple experiences have been both spiritually rewarding, cleansing and thought provoking to the point where I am considering conversion. I know, I can barely believe that I just typed the words myself.

The part of the world we live in is HEAVY CHRISTIAN and I mean a big emphasis on the word heavy, which is great because I am happy that people are finding faith and boy does the local Barnes and Noble have a pulse on the local demographics. The Judaic section was 1/8 of the Christian side and folks, numbers don't lie. I was happy to find Judaism for dummies which I promptly purchased and have already begun to get a really good idea of this new religion that has brought some clarity to my life.

*****

Sydney has been adopted to a good home and yes that was a sigh you felt on this side of the computer screen. My heart is still very heavy regarding her mental health but handsome and I speak about her almost daily and always with good memories.

*****

Handsome's mom resides about 20 miles from my grandpa and we went and visited both last Friday. His mom is an excellent physical condition however she has full blown Alzheimer's (he has to remind her who he is, each time he visits her - YES, totally heart breaking) and my grandfather is sharp as a tack (wanted to discuss the Ted Kennedy autobiography and the passage of the health care bill after learning that handsome is from Boston and democrat) coupled with a myriad of physical illnesses. We were talking about growing old which sparked the question - when we get older and if you could only have one which would it be - Your physical health or your mental health?


Here's hoping we get to keep everything healthy, as long as possible.

Divine Twine

[Photo courtesy of Whisker Graphics]

Enter today to win some free twine- it's the last day, contest ends tonight at midnight and yes this twine is very divine. If I don't win it, I am going to have to buy it! Be sure to check out her Etsy shop as well. Enter to win HERE

If I don't win some twine I plan to buy some, I love it! Handsome gave me a signed Julia Child - Guide to Baking cookbook for Christmas and my goal is to make *edible* Challa before Passover/Easter.

The book I should be breaking into is the CSET study guide... it will be a miracle if I passed this thing. I get the results April 12th.

The Ex-Factor

This is so late and very old news..... but I have been cramming for every. WAKING.SECOND.OF.THE.DAY for the effing CSET and have been wanting to post about this topic since the Oscars.

I LOVED that Katheryn Bigelow won, not only because she broke through the celluloid ceiling but because homegirl beat her ex-husband... James Cameron in this race. Oh, Karma- sweet Karma, it's a bitch - isn't it James?

I clung to her victory as if it were my own and that is the amazing thing about women.... we can be each others biggest fans, lend support and give endlessly yet sadly we can also the most evil of enemies.

In other news, Sydney is now residing with her father whom has earned the nickname - Rat Bastard (don't you just love that name) now has permanent custody of Supermodel Sydney. I received a call from a local shelter and promptly called RB (oh I giggle every time I write it) to let him know he would need to pick her up and decide her fate as I had given it my all and it was his turn. RB of course couldn't afford to pay the fee to relinquish Syd because he_____________(please use your imagination to fill in the blank). She seems to be doing OK and I am at peace with the decision to have her be with RB and happily Handsome supported me in my decision.

Lastly, I meet one of handsome's daughters tomorrow night and I am not nervous, mostly because I am completely exhausted and the other because, well I am not sure now as I type this. He is arriving in San Diego tomorrow night at 9:30 PM and they should arrive by 10:30 PM or 11:00 PM about the time I will be drooling on my CSET study guide struggling to stay awake. The CSET is Saturday morning, about an hour away and the start time is 7:15 AM - Yes, I will be sleeping in tomorrow (Friday) morning. Wish me luck because - Sweet Jesus, if I don't pass this mother flower test I might re-visit becoming a teacher.

Babies, Boys and Bathrooms

Babies...

My sister in law is in labor, contractions are three minutes apart and my niece Paige is expected to make her entrance into this crazy world around noon. Surprisingly, my ugly, bitter, infertile mind has been kind to me during her pregnancy and while I have a few ideas why I have to say the whole "not trying" thing really helps. I was analyzing how I have felt during the whole process - she announced she was pregnant during the most stressful time of my divorce and it was such a breath of fresh air that I was ecstatic to hear the news. Her baby shower happened the day I had to be out of the condo so I made an appearance and then quickly left with my mind focused on the move in with handsome. Speaking of Handsome, he is quick to ask if I am ok during a situation where pregnancy is involved. The mere mention of my co-worker announcing her pregnancy led us to a three hour conversation regarding infertility and my reactions. My co-worker is a sweet, young lady who has struggled with infertility for over 2 years and simply could not afford treatment. She is not someone I would be friends with outside of work but we share the commonality of infertility and so I was really excited to hear she got pregnant. Ok, so Paige should arrive Noon - Pacific time.

Boys...

Handsome has four kiddos- Did I mention that? The youngest, we will call him Handsome Jr. is staying with us for the month of... what month is it- oh yeah - March. Yes, my head is spinning. It is truly a challenge to go from child free to mommy 24/7 in a heartbeat. He has an amazing personality, a total cutie patootie and makes my heart sing. He is all boy, oh my gosh ALL BOY. Did you know there are nine trillion amazing cute little girl items at Target and boys get the total crummy crappity crap? Though I must say those little Easter suits with the fake ties and little golfer caps are adorable and are wayyyy cuter than any girl bonnet. I've picked up some great deals for him on the clearance rack - pants for $2.97. SCORE.

Handsome Jr. is four and has become quite the expert at the art of lying. Handsome sat with him this morning and explained, in a very clear, articulate way of why it is important to tell the truth and why lying is bad. Lately, he lies when he thinks he might get into trouble - so while we can understand why he is lying we want to make sure he understands the importance of ownership of one's actions and choices and consequences.

Bathrooms...

Lastly, regarding bathrooms and taking little boys into women's restrooms. I am taking a poll - if you have any suggestions, please chime in. Where have you found the most boy friendly Women's restrooms. It has been my experience that the best women's restroom for taking the little guys into has to be the restaurant Buca di peppo. They have a smaller, lower urinal for the little guys to use. Now if they could only put that vending machine of tampons in a place where the little guys don't always want to twist the knobs and ask about it.... I heard one mom say that it's for women who forget their lipstick and can pick up a new tube. GENIUS... at a closer glance the tampon does look like a tube of lipstick. Handsome's other kids arrive next Saturday and we will have three total here for a whole week. I can't wait but I am also a bit scared.

And did I mention... I have a driver's licence with my current, correct name and address FINALLY. Clearly, it's the little things in life... however this means that I can finally change my name at my bank and quit signing things with that *other* name.

Life is grand.

It's Sydney's world, I am just living in it.

Sydney is running with the big dogs now, she ran away from home.

We came home last night to find one dog, instead of two and a piece of our heart missing.

The pain is intense and my heart is breaking in a gazillion pieces right now... yes, while I never had birthday parties or made my dogs wear little sweaters I feel as though I need to confess that I am "a crazy dog lady" similar and some might say a sister of "the crazy cat lady". You know the kind, carries an extra dog leash around in case I come into contact with a stray wearing a collar, gives away dog food to homeless people with pets.

The community we live in has two security people constantly patrolling and handsome was quick to give them a picture of Miss Sydney and her stats. We have a large community that is gated but a neighbor decided to tell handsome she is pretty sure that she saw Sydney running with another dog towards the main gate... I guess there is no great way to say something like this but it felt like a million tiny daggers invading my heart and soul to hear this.

Regarding neighbors, this has been the biggest transition. I am used to having some kind of small neighborly relationship with people and the city I am currently living in houses many commuters- myself included. I haven't connected with any other neighbors as they are not real neighborly. Handsome and I have nicknames for a few - for instance, our favorite neighbors (can you pick up on the sarcasm?) whom we lovingly call the Jesus freaks. They earned their title by placing an empty *manger* on their front lawn bestowed with a red light. The big problem was that the manger was the size of a casket and looked more like a Halloween decoration with the red light on it than an homage to Jesus. Did I mention they live directly across from our home? Religious freedom and the expression of, aside, these very Christian people will barely make eye contact and no longer speak to handsome after he declined an invitation to their weekly Monday night bible study that takes place in their home. I wasn't ready to run over and knock on their door to ask if they had seen Sydney.

Then there are the neighbors on one side of us who are different and I don't know how to explain it other than the husband has a bit of the crazy eyes and the wife is a mail order bride from Russia, who I thought was his daughter. We call them "From Russia, with love" or Boris and Natasha, depending on our mood. Natasha was the one who mentioned the whole dog running toward the gate statement. They have a brand new boxer puppy and so I would hope to think they have a bit of sympathy toward the situation.

****

I got in the car and drove around, screaming her name, holding a flashlight, sobbing and waiting for her to walk out of some random area and come prancing toward me... it never happened.

I am a firm believer that people come in and out of our lives, at different times and for different reasons - I wasn't ready to apply nor accept this theory towards my puppy. Handsome asked me this morning if we thought of everything - Call the humane society - check (had to leave a message), let the entire world know our dog was missing- check, scour the neighborhood- check. She has a chip so I am holding out hope that this will be the saving grace. I never, NEVER see dogs running loose in this city so perhaps their animal services department is really on their game, we'll see.

Did I miss anything?

Sydney

Sydney is one short phone call away from the sausage factory.

I love this dog, really I do love this dog- she is one of my kids but she is destroying handsome's backyard - scratching drywall off of the house, scratching at doors, windows, fences and I am at my wits end.

I phoned the dog trainer and she explained that due to the high winds recently, her client call has increased substantially in the last 2 days. Now, the wind, while a complete annoyance, is also a factor that sends Sydney over the edge. To say she dislikes wind would be an understatement. To add fuel to the fire, there is a walking trail located about 100 *sloping upwards* feet away from the backyard and due to construction the maintenance crew has put a chain link fence and affixed a green tarp (not sure of the exact purpose for the tarp). So the winds have blown the connectors away at the bottom of the tarp so.... can you guess what has been happening? Yes, the slightest breeze sends the tarp slapping, repeatedly, against the chain link fence... driving Sydney crazy and sending her into a crazy panic.

Last night, her heart was racing and as much as I tried to calm her down, she found it impossible. I spent close to 45 minutes with the dog trainer going over different exercises and we are going to try to put her in a crate for sleeping because the behavior seems to increase at bed time. As much as I am VEHEMENTLY against medicating people, children and animals - I am thinking of calling her vet and asking for some kind of doggie downer.

Any suggestions?