I broke out the No Doubt last night and listened to this song about 9,856 times. I don't know if there is a song that quite captures how I feel about my marriage ending other than this....
"Simple Kind of Life"
For a long time I was in love
Not only in love, I was obsessed
With a friendship that no one else could touch
It didn't work out, I'm covered in shells
And all I wanted was the simple things
A simple kind of life
And all I needed was a simple man
So I could be a wife
I'm so ashamed, I've been so mean
I don't know how it got to this point
I always was the one with all the love
You came along, I'm hunting you down
Like a Sick domestic abuser looking for a fight
And all I wanted was the simple things
A simple kind of life
If we met tomorrow for the very first time
Would it start all over again?
Would I try to make you mine?
I always thought I'd be a mom
Sometimes I wish for a mistake
The longer that I wait the more selfish that I get
You seem like you'd be a good dad
Now all those simple things are simply too complicated for my life
How'd I get so faithful to my freedom?
A selfish kind of life
When all I ever wanted was the simple things
A simple kind of life
***********************************************************
Ughhhhhh Divorce SUCKS
20 October 2009
14 October 2009
Food
This is a difficult time of year for me to eat healthy as bags of Halloween candy lurk around every corner in the market. My downfall is the Reese's peanut butter cup - in any size. I am an addict so it doesn't matter what color the wrapper is, big, little, miniature.... I'll take whatever I can get my hands on.
Happily, I came across the Clif Builder bar with a WHOPPING 20 grams of protein and the bonus is that it doesn't taste like you are sucking on a penny. I have to say most meal replacement bars have so many vitamins and minerals that you can taste them while your eating it which might not be a problem if you are running a marathon but certainly is a problem if you are eating one at your desk with a vending machine within a stone's throw.
Trader's has them for $1.49 and they are pretty good. I usually eat 2/3 of it around 10:00 AM and that keeps my tummy happy until lunchtime which can happen anytime between 11:30 and 1:00 depending on my schedule and then finish off the rest of the bar in the afternoon.
13 October 2009
Breaking the Girl
The Stipulated Judgement has been signed and I spent more time than I should have with the soon to be EX, last Sunday.
The high road, while so often the road less traveled was my constant companion that day and I walked away feeling deflated, defeated and just a tad broken.
Divorce sucks.
The high road, while so often the road less traveled was my constant companion that day and I walked away feeling deflated, defeated and just a tad broken.
Divorce sucks.
06 October 2009
Food
Nothing says fall in Southern California like recovering from a second degree sunburn (it was 90 degrees on Friday - two words, GLOBAL WARMING) while wearing a turtleneck because it's 49 degrees in your office and a chilly 74 degrees outside. Yes, 74 is chilly when your body has become acclimated to temperatures that exceed 100 degrees, for months at a time. Furthermore, if you think I am whiny about it... you should see my pups in the morning. Upon opening the slider, Sydney will just look at me - her face says " Really, you really want me to go out THERE?!?! Yeahhhh right, your nuts lady". This morning I had to resort to trickery and throw a cookie to get her outside. If felt horrible... bad puppy mommy.
To celebrate fall, I bit into this apple today and now I want to go buy a bag of those caramels and sit by a fireplace...with my turtleneck on.
30 September 2009
Everything Will Be Alright
Yes, it's not only my new mantra and one of my favorite songs from "The Killer's" but I am firmly believing this to become the truth.
Light is shining bright at the end of the divorce tunnel and whilst I would love to give you all more, I simply cannot.
But I will one day... it might be in the form of a blog post, email, book- who knows.
Keeping positive during this experience has been one of my biggest challenges EVER and most days - like today I just feel simply GRATEFUL.
Gratitude is a funny thing, it's a funny feeling and think about the times you feel it.
Light is shining bright at the end of the divorce tunnel and whilst I would love to give you all more, I simply cannot.
But I will one day... it might be in the form of a blog post, email, book- who knows.
Keeping positive during this experience has been one of my biggest challenges EVER and most days - like today I just feel simply GRATEFUL.
Gratitude is a funny thing, it's a funny feeling and think about the times you feel it.
28 September 2009
Hot for Teacher
Make that substitute teacher....
I have an ID badge, a list of activities for grades ranging from K-12 (unless the teacher has left a lesson plan) and a pin number to sub-finder. WATCH OUT.....
The goal is to sub a few days a month supplement my income due to our mandatory furlough. I will have to sub for three days to recoup the costs put forth to become a sub however, there is a sense of calm and peace being able to sub before fully committing to a contracted position. Then there is that tiny factor making me eligible to sign a contract, freaking CSET.
Everything else is going well, boyfriend, lover, cutie patootie... whatever you want to call him is going well. I am really enjoying our times we spend together, especially our long conversations. Dating is so different and a huge adjustment after being married. Fortunately, we are both new to the process so we can face the learning curve together.
All in all - Life is good... can't complain.
So here's hoping for many, many phone calls from sub-finder and let the substitute teaching begin!
I have an ID badge, a list of activities for grades ranging from K-12 (unless the teacher has left a lesson plan) and a pin number to sub-finder. WATCH OUT.....
The goal is to sub a few days a month supplement my income due to our mandatory furlough. I will have to sub for three days to recoup the costs put forth to become a sub however, there is a sense of calm and peace being able to sub before fully committing to a contracted position. Then there is that tiny factor making me eligible to sign a contract, freaking CSET.
Everything else is going well, boyfriend, lover, cutie patootie... whatever you want to call him is going well. I am really enjoying our times we spend together, especially our long conversations. Dating is so different and a huge adjustment after being married. Fortunately, we are both new to the process so we can face the learning curve together.
All in all - Life is good... can't complain.
So here's hoping for many, many phone calls from sub-finder and let the substitute teaching begin!
14 September 2009
My Own Private Idaho
Or… the nine million reasons while I will never live in Idaho (God Willing)
New Beau and I did a road trip to Idaho and yes – I think I am crazy. Who, in their right mind, decides to push a relationship to the envelope of death by doing a road trip after dating 8 weeks? Um, apparently, I do.
My rationale was simple – this was a great opportunity to see a part of the Country I have never been to and spend time with the brand new beau. He was headed to Idaho because he purchased a Semi-truck and needed to get it back to California. The plan was to drive in a regular pick up truck from California to Idaho, fix the semi truck, put the smaller truck in the semi truck and return back to California. His exact words were – it should take 2-5 days, tops. I know, I know – certainly, there has to be a business or a driver you can hire to drive it back. Herein lies the catch – The truck was involved in an accident and he was going to fix it before he drove it down from Idaho. I admired the undertaking and had confidence in his abilities, as this wasn’t the first time he had done this he explained to me during the 8 hour car ride we endured on day one.
There are things that scare me… black widow spiders, driving two lane roads at night, our national debt and oh yeah SEMI TRUCKS. Not stationary of course but barreling down the highway ready to crush any small car that gets in its way scares me to no end. I quickly get out of their way, always avoiding semi trucks and the cement barrier that divides the freeways – I affectionately refer to it as the “Wall of Death”. So talk about meeting my fears, face to face. The part of our adventure that entailed me actually *riding* in a speeding bullet of death - I mean Semi-truck from Idaho to California (if he didn’t drop off at the Boise airport on day 2, deciding he was done dealing with crazy pants Kara) made me want to pee my pants when I thoguht about it but I accepted the invitation and happily went on my way.
So… the car ride on the first day was exciting, we chatted non stop FOR.EIGHT.HOURS. We were three hours outside our planned stop for the day when we both were struck with hunger pangs and decided to stop at a little mini-mart in Fallon Nevada. Now, Fallon is quite small and driving into and out of it reminded me a lot of the Central Valley of California – specifically Fresno. We ran into the mini-mart and noticed there was a collection of tempting offerings at the front counter. This wasn’t an AM/PM chili cheese dog we are speaking about – homemade fried chicken, corn dogs – Lipitor battling, food coma inducing, edible grease. We each grabbed two fried chicken legs and headed to the counter to pay. The woman behind the counter, a native of Fallon that spoke in a twang that made me take pause and wonder again where in the South we had traveled because I thought we were heading North, asked if we were “together”. I assumed she meant our purchase and we both answered yes, in unison. Then she looked at new beau and said “Are you paying for her food also?” He quickly answered “Yes” with an emphatic tone. She turned to me, paused and smiled. I felt the awkwardness of the moment and in attempt to make a joke “I looked at her and said, oh – “Don’t worry, I’ll be paying for it later”. To which she replied, “Honey, Don’t we all, don’t we all.”
I think new beau and I laughed about that moment for the next three hours and were still giggling about it when we hit Winnemuka, Nevada a border town that straddles the Nevada, Oregon and Idaho states. There could be (and one day, might be)a complete post about Winnemuka itself but let me paint the small town picture by saying the major store is a Wal Mart Supercenter and the major hotel is a Best Western that was decorated circa 1987. There isn’t a Coco’s, a Denny’s or a Subway but there is a McDonalds. We ate at the Winnemuka Inn that was also a Casino and I woke up the next morning feeling the after affects of the smoke filled room. I made hacking, gross, noises that normal people probably can’t make. Chuck was concerned and I warned him that this was just the tip of the iceberg; I think he might have said he was scared. We hopped in the car for the drive to our destination – Fruitland, Idaho.
While crossing into Oregon from Nevada, there was just a small sign saying – Welcome to Oregon and it looked – exactly like Nevada. Nary a tree in sight, which made me a little sad, as we continued for what felt like a scene out of the movie groundhog day. Everytime I raised my head and looked out the window or moved my head away from Chuck’s direction it looked like a barren, vast, desert. Sure it was pretty but there is only so much desert to look at, especially when you live in one.
A funny moment involved the checker at Albertsons… as she was ringing up my travel sized items I had ran out of she made a statement about traveling something to the effect of “You must be headed somewhere with all these little travel size items”. I explained that my boyfriend (why does this make me feel like a dorky 16 year old when I say this term) was repairing a semi truck and though we would be leaving in a few days I was running low on some necessities. I know, talk about over-explaining to a fault…. I loved her response…. Oh so you guys are truck drivers. I giggled and then probably more serious than needed to be said in a distinct tone – NO. I was close to going into a short discourse about how repairing semi-trucks were a hobby and this was one of several businesses he owned when I thought oh Kara – Shut up.
Our time spent in Idaho was mostly in the Boise, Nampa, Meridian and Fruitland areas though occasionally we would travel to Ontario, Oregon. Life and its surroundings moved at a much slower pace which I didn’t realize until I came back and home and nearly got into three car accidents within 20 minutes of being back in Southern California.
Road trips are amazing; they feed our soul in a way that is indescribable to me, at this time. Meeting people on the journey, seeing new landscape and spending quality time with the person you are traveling with is really a gift. I got to learn a lot about new beau, what he wants to accomplish with his new business, his personal/relationship goals and we talked a lot about mistakes we made in past relationships. He is always very attentive and appears to be understanding about the Infertility issues. To say that I appreciate his sensitivity is an understatement. True, traveling and spending every waking second with your significant other really adds a whole new level of reality however it also adds depth, character and a deeper connectivity to that person.
I know it’s still new and a lot of how and why I feel things is because of the newness however all I can hope for is to learn from the mistakes I made in the past and keep both my heart and mind open to love again.
Edit**
As I re-read this I am realizing there is just too much I left out so watch for part II, lots more stories about greasy food, guns and the religious right or otherwise noted - My trip to Idaho.
New Beau and I did a road trip to Idaho and yes – I think I am crazy. Who, in their right mind, decides to push a relationship to the envelope of death by doing a road trip after dating 8 weeks? Um, apparently, I do.
My rationale was simple – this was a great opportunity to see a part of the Country I have never been to and spend time with the brand new beau. He was headed to Idaho because he purchased a Semi-truck and needed to get it back to California. The plan was to drive in a regular pick up truck from California to Idaho, fix the semi truck, put the smaller truck in the semi truck and return back to California. His exact words were – it should take 2-5 days, tops. I know, I know – certainly, there has to be a business or a driver you can hire to drive it back. Herein lies the catch – The truck was involved in an accident and he was going to fix it before he drove it down from Idaho. I admired the undertaking and had confidence in his abilities, as this wasn’t the first time he had done this he explained to me during the 8 hour car ride we endured on day one.
There are things that scare me… black widow spiders, driving two lane roads at night, our national debt and oh yeah SEMI TRUCKS. Not stationary of course but barreling down the highway ready to crush any small car that gets in its way scares me to no end. I quickly get out of their way, always avoiding semi trucks and the cement barrier that divides the freeways – I affectionately refer to it as the “Wall of Death”. So talk about meeting my fears, face to face. The part of our adventure that entailed me actually *riding* in a speeding bullet of death - I mean Semi-truck from Idaho to California (if he didn’t drop off at the Boise airport on day 2, deciding he was done dealing with crazy pants Kara) made me want to pee my pants when I thoguht about it but I accepted the invitation and happily went on my way.
So… the car ride on the first day was exciting, we chatted non stop FOR.EIGHT.HOURS. We were three hours outside our planned stop for the day when we both were struck with hunger pangs and decided to stop at a little mini-mart in Fallon Nevada. Now, Fallon is quite small and driving into and out of it reminded me a lot of the Central Valley of California – specifically Fresno. We ran into the mini-mart and noticed there was a collection of tempting offerings at the front counter. This wasn’t an AM/PM chili cheese dog we are speaking about – homemade fried chicken, corn dogs – Lipitor battling, food coma inducing, edible grease. We each grabbed two fried chicken legs and headed to the counter to pay. The woman behind the counter, a native of Fallon that spoke in a twang that made me take pause and wonder again where in the South we had traveled because I thought we were heading North, asked if we were “together”. I assumed she meant our purchase and we both answered yes, in unison. Then she looked at new beau and said “Are you paying for her food also?” He quickly answered “Yes” with an emphatic tone. She turned to me, paused and smiled. I felt the awkwardness of the moment and in attempt to make a joke “I looked at her and said, oh – “Don’t worry, I’ll be paying for it later”. To which she replied, “Honey, Don’t we all, don’t we all.”
I think new beau and I laughed about that moment for the next three hours and were still giggling about it when we hit Winnemuka, Nevada a border town that straddles the Nevada, Oregon and Idaho states. There could be (and one day, might be)a complete post about Winnemuka itself but let me paint the small town picture by saying the major store is a Wal Mart Supercenter and the major hotel is a Best Western that was decorated circa 1987. There isn’t a Coco’s, a Denny’s or a Subway but there is a McDonalds. We ate at the Winnemuka Inn that was also a Casino and I woke up the next morning feeling the after affects of the smoke filled room. I made hacking, gross, noises that normal people probably can’t make. Chuck was concerned and I warned him that this was just the tip of the iceberg; I think he might have said he was scared. We hopped in the car for the drive to our destination – Fruitland, Idaho.
While crossing into Oregon from Nevada, there was just a small sign saying – Welcome to Oregon and it looked – exactly like Nevada. Nary a tree in sight, which made me a little sad, as we continued for what felt like a scene out of the movie groundhog day. Everytime I raised my head and looked out the window or moved my head away from Chuck’s direction it looked like a barren, vast, desert. Sure it was pretty but there is only so much desert to look at, especially when you live in one.
A funny moment involved the checker at Albertsons… as she was ringing up my travel sized items I had ran out of she made a statement about traveling something to the effect of “You must be headed somewhere with all these little travel size items”. I explained that my boyfriend (why does this make me feel like a dorky 16 year old when I say this term) was repairing a semi truck and though we would be leaving in a few days I was running low on some necessities. I know, talk about over-explaining to a fault…. I loved her response…. Oh so you guys are truck drivers. I giggled and then probably more serious than needed to be said in a distinct tone – NO. I was close to going into a short discourse about how repairing semi-trucks were a hobby and this was one of several businesses he owned when I thought oh Kara – Shut up.
Our time spent in Idaho was mostly in the Boise, Nampa, Meridian and Fruitland areas though occasionally we would travel to Ontario, Oregon. Life and its surroundings moved at a much slower pace which I didn’t realize until I came back and home and nearly got into three car accidents within 20 minutes of being back in Southern California.
Road trips are amazing; they feed our soul in a way that is indescribable to me, at this time. Meeting people on the journey, seeing new landscape and spending quality time with the person you are traveling with is really a gift. I got to learn a lot about new beau, what he wants to accomplish with his new business, his personal/relationship goals and we talked a lot about mistakes we made in past relationships. He is always very attentive and appears to be understanding about the Infertility issues. To say that I appreciate his sensitivity is an understatement. True, traveling and spending every waking second with your significant other really adds a whole new level of reality however it also adds depth, character and a deeper connectivity to that person.
I know it’s still new and a lot of how and why I feel things is because of the newness however all I can hope for is to learn from the mistakes I made in the past and keep both my heart and mind open to love again.
Edit**
As I re-read this I am realizing there is just too much I left out so watch for part II, lots more stories about greasy food, guns and the religious right or otherwise noted - My trip to Idaho.
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