Imagine

They heard the heartbeat.

Newest McGee will appear around mid-March.

Life is good.

For the first time, in a very long time I have peace in my heart regarding a pregnancy and feel the natural joy one should without the craziness of infertility skewing my emotions. While I will always have the battle scars of infertility, I no longer feel beat up by the raw emotions of it.

I feel like I can forge ahead and focus on the things I do have control over....finally.

19th Nervous Breakdown- Birthday Edition

So here's a quick update on what is going on the world of Kara.....

I am ANOTHER year older (dammit)

I had one SERIOUSLY great birthday event of celebrating in the following fashion...

Friday morning - Birthday breakfast with girlfriends.

Saturday night - early dinner with mom, another couple and new beau

Later Saturday night - strolled Laguna with new beau where he bought myopic woman by Dr. Seuss.

Sunday-continued strolling Laguna with new beau, ate an amazing breakfast, visited the Sawdust festival, discussed art, had tres romantic walk on beach before we went here for dinner.

Monday- woke to said new beau whispering softly, the words, "Happy Birthday", had breakfast at amazing bakery, went to Glen Ivy where I got the most *interesting* massage of my entire life (will discuss later) and had dinner with my dad, his fiancee and new beau.

BEST BIRTHDAY IN A REALLY, REALLY LONG TIME!!!!

Edit*** - more about the breakdown later, it was a rough week prior to celebrating.

My Favorite Mistake

Remember your first love?

The first person to tell you they loved you? .

The heartbreak of when it all fell to pieces.

Remember crying and thinking you'll never quite love someone to that depth and magnitude ever again?

Mine happen to all be the same person and thanks to Face book, I got to see his wedding photos last week. He looks happy, she has a beautiful smile. I noticed the sadness reflected in his eyes of his deceased parents being there only in spirit.

Jaded? perhaps. Bitter? Oh God, I hope never. Protective of this heart O'mine- ALWAYS.

Pretty in Pink

In an effort to thwart the overwhelming list of responsibilities staring me in the face (homework, getting paperwork ready for divorce...looking for a teaching job that doesn't require the CSET). I decided to take yesterday off and deal with this mess

My organizational skills are not the best, I'll admit but I am severely handicapped with a huge space (or lack there of) issue. Not alot of work got completed at this desk. Hmph... I wonder why. Probably because the fan was in the way, not to mention the enormous stack of paper.



After a few hours of limping around IKEA... I was happy just to get to this point. A picture of my future desk.



The directions clearly stated that it was going to take 2 people and I quickly discovered that a hammer and screwdriver were required as well. I was determined to get the thing built and got all the way to step 2 until I had to call for reinforcements - my good friend Regina. I didn't even have to bribe her.... now that's friendship.



While I was out shopping, I found this tres chic and sooooo comfortable Umbra chair on sale for $30 bucks at The Container Store. Yes, that would be hot pink - the new color theme of my desk area.

Voila!?!

The new desk area, now I just need to get out of bed and get to work. My knee didn't particularly like all the shopping yesterday and swelled to 3 times the size of the other knee.

Fix You

I don't give Duane much thought....ordinarily.... only when I think about what he is costing me, his health insurance, his insane dental bill, the truck he drives that is in my name... all which bring my blood to a rolling boil.

Then there are the times where I get angry because he is not around and damn if I could just totally use his strong yet soft shoulder to cry on. For instance, when I fell off of the bike this week - I screamed that it was all his fault, my mother instantly agreed without using basic logic to point out that it was really in no absolute way, his fault. God love her....I do. Or today, when I went looking through my old blog to discover that a year ago tomorrow - we became foster parents and I remember that road we faced together with humor and trepidation where I watched a man I knew as my husband become a brave father. Then like a bad dream... I remember that those feelings are part of the past, though felt in the present will never be the future....ever.

The girls, no doubt, made indelible impression on my heart. Their laughter, their request to watch "Enchanted" over and over and over again, the marvel at watching their faces explode with happiness as the looked at the big, blue ocean for the first time - realizing their was something "greater" than visiting a pool and who could forget the lice (certainly, not I). I was thinking this evening about where they are in their lives, so I wrote a lovely note to their teacher - hoping that she will receive it before the school year gets out, I might even hand deliver it next Friday on my day off. I phoned the agency we worked with and they had not received a call about placement for the girls which doesn't necessarily mean that they haven't been returned to the system - especially if the girls had the same social worker.

What did I learn from two young sweet peas who seemed to breeze in and out of my life like a gentle wind - a smile is worth a million dollars, a high five can make a kids day, a hug is better than money and positive energy can give a child hope.

To little girl and Big Girl who touched my heart and soul
Thank you for letting me be your mommy, if only for a short time.

Free fallin

I am laying in bed when I should be at work, my knee is throbbing and the Tylenol with codeine has not kicked in yet.

In an effort to get my bodacious bod back, I have been riding my mountain bike a few days a week. Last night, I was 25 minutes into 45 minute loop that I have been doing when I decided to mix it up a bit and go up this kind of steep hill *because I thought it would be alot of fun to go down the hill*. During the descent, I hit water and lost control of the bike. I landed in a driveway of a condo association with the bike frame resting heavily on my right knee. I layed for a minute going down the list of questions you ask- Can I breathe? Am I bleeding? Who is the president? AND THEN I FREAKED OUT realizing I was in the driveway and tried to get up on my legs. HA HA HA... the legs were not working - both of them and then I started crying because I thought I had really screwed my body up and crawled on my arms over to the sidewalk, grabbed my phone and called my mom.

I knew my mom was in the garden and was wondering if she would even pick up the phone when I heard her voice and just sobbed into the phone "Come get me, I fell off of my bike and I need help mom". Before she could respond, a man came up to me, from behind scaring the shit out of me and yelled "ARE YOU OK?" I think he thought I may have had a concussion or something but hellooooo I was on the phone? Who has a concussion and makes a phone call. OK, anyway. He was 1/2 of a nice older duo that pulled their car over after they watched me take my spill. The nice wife quickly calmed the scary man down who , at first I thought was a homeless man trying to mug me and then realized he was talking funny because he was from a different country. In my defense, even my mom thought he was a bit strange and possibly drunk but his wife was nice so they balanced each other out.

My mom called our friends Lyle and Sylvia who live in the condo association of the driveway where the event happened and they took my bike back to their house as my mom and I sped off to Kaiser where I played a rousing rendition of "does this hurt" with a doctor as he bent my leg in a million different directions - Good times. He mentioned that I was flexible and I mentioned the word Yoga and he mentioned something about the injury could have been alot worse if without the yoga and that I was to be putting all exercise (yoga included) on hold for 10 days because like crack - exercise kills.... Just kidding. I had a funny moment with my friend J about the dangers of exercise and how I should just really steer clear of any strenuous kind of exercise from here moving forward. All in good fun and jest, of course.

My mother who is just one of the most entertaining people that has this completely wacky side kept me in stictches. I busted out my I-Pod to keep her entertained and stop her from asking me how I was feeling every 5 minutes and she was hooked. The hillarious part was when she wanted to tell me something while the earbuds were in and she didn't realize the volume of her voice. The other moment of laughing insanity was after nurse bitchy-bitch had asked Dr. "I love yoga, but I am not afraid to give you drugs" if I needed crutches and after he confirmed and brought them and excused himself from the room, my mother decided to try to do the moonwalk - using the crutches. I laughed so hard I really thought I might pee my pants.

The funny moments she provided were helpful as I had some really crappy ones, like when I got wheeled into X-ray and the tech asked me if there was a chance I could be pregnant. I would have love to come up with something really witty and slightly awkard...but all I could muster was a pathetic..... no. The next moment of ick happened when we returned to Kaiser to pick up my meds and the only parking available was in the Labor and Delivery parking only section that showed a huge stork with a baby and some joyous banter about babies..... URGHHHHHh. All of this so feeling on the surface right now, are these feelings as it was a year ago today that I got the call that I would become a foster parent. I imagine more feelings will resurface within the next week so...there's your warning.

I arrived home with a pair of crutches, prescription Tylenol with codeine, a knee brace and order to not return to work until Friday.

So, while I would like to think I am the bee's knees.... my right knee is struggling. I have an appointment on Friday to see an occupational specialist who will probably twist and turn my knee in another million directions.

Stir it up

Blog.... what blog?

I know, it's been two weeks since I've last posted. This is not a pattern, the last two weeks have been hmmmmmm what are words I'm looking for... wacky, I guess really sums it up.

I have....


been selected for jury duty, selected for a trial, rendered a guilty verdict that was someones 3rd strike (minor detail was not revealed until 2nd phase of trial, BTW) and that was only 4 of the last 15 days.

had the pleasure of being told that Duane has hired a lawyer (it's going to get ugly)

gone on a date with a man that is older than my father (fortunately I have a young dad) and in better shape than anyone I know. He just finished a 50 mile bike ride and *seems* to have it together(financially/emotionally/physically). A second date is scheduled but I am not sure if it will take place. I'll keep you posted....

have developed a new game plan for my life.... wanna hear?

OK, hear it goes. Clearly, I need pass the CSET in order to become a teacher - no two ways about it. School is school and will always be there... it pains me to say this but I will *more likely than not* NOT graduate this December because in order to do so I have to obtain a student teaching contract and in order to do this I would need to obtain need an intern eligible letter from my school and they will only write this letter with the ENTIRE CSET having been passed.

Ironic, how everything hinges on something else - such is life. I've been in touch with some districts who happen to be willing to hire with only one of the CSET components being passed so in the off chance/rarer than rare and on the level of winning the lottery I actually get hired for the 2009-10 school year, it will be short of a mirrrrrrracle. These positions are just so few and far between and hey -guess what? I am not the only one that is having challenges passing the CSET? WHO KNEW????? I would also like to include that the chance of getting hired, in this economy/ with a million other SPED teachers looking for work is probably somewhere along the lines of meeting/having dinner with/and participating in amazing, earth shattering, mind bending, passionate sex with Anthony Bourdain.

A girl can dream - right?

I am working on plan B and it involves either becoming a teacher in another state or becoming a Professional Anthony Bourdain groupie.......